i am everything i am not when i am cranky.
11/22/2007 02:26 p.m.
i can tell you this: i have forgotten how to write but i am trying desperately to remember because i have fallen back on my working out and my yoga practice and i am not meditating but i am a damn good Buddhist so i should get back to it and i also happen to be a spectacular writer, a talent which may only be paled by my talent for finding every reason to do absolutely nothing with my time. so i am back, if only for a momentary stopover whilst i recharge my poetic batteries and get that good jazz on. oh, if you haven't listened to etta james' "in the basement, pt. 1" today, well you're not alone because i haven't either but you're in a much worse state than me unless you really want to. then, and only then, in accomplishing this desire will you truly be happier than i.

i am, currently, sitting on the sofa that my boyfriend slept on while i slept in his bed upstairs last night. my boyfriend who is my ex-boyfriend of nine years ago. i.e., the first boy to ever break my heart. and i am all angry poetry and not smoking cigarettes because, apparently, that is a problem. my smoking and the stench of my smokiness is a problem though it hadn't been for years. i am constantly being chastised like a child and i am growing weary of it.

and i am growing unsatisfied and i'm not sixteen anymore so "things like this don't happen to me," i tell myself. i am in a very cerebral state over this whole thing. and last night i said that that was it, "i am going to quit smoking and i am really done with this whole thing" and now my cigarettes are gone from the table outside and i am angry and i am dying to die some more with my tar-infused lungs and my carcinogens ravishing my body. and he is chanting outside with that miraculous lakeview. and he is asking me when i have to go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving and when he has to drop me at my house so that i can drive myself around later (i am not in my own car, we are environmentally conscious) and i say "whenever, i don't care. whenever you want." because i am all red-earred and flushed-cheeks about it and my jaw is clenched and i am pecking away at the keyboard and "i will not stop," i tell myself.

then, he says, "well, never then. you'll stay with me the whole day."

i am not falling for this again.

i am going to go home to my cats and smoke a million cigarettes all at the same time. then, i will drive to my mom's house and when she asks me about him i'll say nothing to the effect of, "whatever you want. i don't care."
I am listening to probably the air-conditioning.