blech
11/18/2007 07:14 a.m.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me these days. I'm so bitchy. I can feel the strain of being "stuck" at home already, the only one in my family interested in taking care of my grandmother...and it hasn't even been a month. And of course, I feel terribly guilty about that.

I also feel TERRIBLE about not having a paycheck now, no discretionary $$ of my own. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to be able to tolerate that. And of course, I feel terribly guilty about that.

Plus, Miah is so young. He doesn't understand that to be my mate, especially in my situation, begs so much more of a partner than if he was with someone his own age, and so much more than simply working 40 hours a week. I still have a bathtub to refinish so we can get out of my grandmother's bathroom downstairs and be able to come upstairs to take our showers. I have plastic to put up for the winter, a yard that is screaming to be cleaned, and little handy projects all over. I don't mind doing all the daily stuff that is required now....the dishes and making the beds and doing the laundry and the cooking. I love that stuff. But there is little time left over to tackle the bigger projects. I know these are not his responsibilities. And so, I feel terribly guilty about resenting the fact that he is not helping (except financially, he IS paying his way and then some), and wanting his help with some of the extras that need to be done.

I just feel pissed off all over, and I have all these vague reasons, but really, it feels as if none of them is "the reason." It more feels like I'm just in the worst mood of my life for no reason at all.

Probably underneath that is depression and pressure that I feel from Christmas coming up and no $$, my daughter's wisdom teeth that need to be surgically removed and her in pain and me scrambling to try to find a solution without having to make $2,000.00 appear out of thin air; and my rescue dog who is dying and needs to be put down to relieve her suffering, only I don't have the $175.00 for that; a bill for my son that I can't pay; my other daughter's medicine that I can't pay for; and their dad not going to the courthouse to report that I have physical custody of them so that I can get child support (imagine that, him not wanting to pay child support when for all the years he had them, I paid and paid and don't owe him one red cent). Ya, I think maybe I might be a little pissed off. But mostly pissed off because I feel powerless about the $$ we need. And there is no one to blame. These are my responsibilities, and I'm working on them the best I can but I feel overwhelmed.

I know it's just a matter of doing one thing at a time until it all gets done. And putting it in God's hands because that's really the only thing I can think of to do since my own abilities fall short.

I hate ranting in here, but I don't really have a productive place to do it at home for the moment, and there is no $$ for therapy.

Well.

The next post should have good news. That's the usual flow of it *knocking on wood*.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to the baby monitor in my grandmother's room picking her breathing.