XxX Hurt XxX
10/24/2007 08:03 p.m.
Why is it that everything in life must be so difficult? Why can nothing go easily or as planned in my life? Every day is a new challenge, and it seems every day I'm being defeated. It doesnt matter who I know, or how hard I try, nothing works out. There are people I dont know talking about me, my friends have moved forward, and I'm stuck at a standstill. The plan was to move to Rolfe. The apartments we were looking at called back and they don't allow pets. The SECOND apartments called back and hung up on me. Yeah, awesome I know. So I have no idea whats going on. All I know is that I CAN NOT stay in this town. I can't stay in this state. I dont know anymore. I just want to run. I don't want to run away, or towards anything. I just want distance between myself and everything thats keeping me down. I remember that I once was a happy go lucky, active girl. I was in sports, I liked to go running and work out, I had a good time out with friends, and I generally enjoyed life. These past few years I've been nothing if not a shell of my former self. I thought once that i had found myself again, and perhaps I did, but anymore all I am is depressed. I'm tired of being bipolar, i'm tired of the pain i feel every day, and i'm tired of people thinking my depression is something to take lightly. I literally sit here and stare at my arms wanting nothing more than to cut the fuck out of them, i look at pill bottles and dream of taking them all just to see what would happen. No one understands how deeply my pain runs, and I cant do any of it. I have to stop myself from thinking those thoughts. I dont want to think that way, i dont try to, and yet those thoughts are constantly in my mind. I've been having fucked up dreams lately too. All kinds of dreams involving torture, and death. I want to be happy. I want to smile, and laugh, and have a job, and be able to support myself. I want to think for myself, make decisions for myself, and be able to say no to people. I want to not have morbid thoughts, and I'm sick of daydreaming about suicide. Therapy never helped, pills never helped, the only reason I even stopped cutting was because of how ashamed I felt the day my mom found out. I don't want to have to do that all over, I don't want to have anything to hide, and most of all, I'm just so sick of crying...and not having anyone there to offer me there shoulder. I'm all alone and there's nothing I can do about it. Call me emo if you want, I'll just tell you to fuck off.
I am currently Depressed