Moving On
10/24/2007 04:16 p.m.
So...I think Aaron and I are moving to a new, rinky dink town of 200 here in the next few weeks. I think thats the plan though it's not set in stone. Where we live now is a giant death trap so I'm not entirely disappointed. I still want to leave the state of Iowa, but I guess that will have to wait for now. I already dont leave home as it is. I'm afraid to go out in this neighborhood, so maybe this will actually be good for me. I sure hope so. I could use a happy healthy dose of GOOD for a change right now. Nothings going right, everythings falling apart, and I have no idea how to fix things. Money is always an issue. You have to have money to make money, you cant get a job unless you have money, and you cant get money without a job. I have the same run around with school right now. I cant afford to go to school without financial aid, but I cant get back into school until I pay what I already owe them. Its only $1,500 but thats a lot when you cant get a job anywhere. I just wish something magical would happen, and everything would wonderfully fall into place. However, I know that anything worth doing is worth doing all the way, and I'm working on making a living for myself. It's just a lot harder for me than people realize. I've been on my own so long, that I've forgotten what it was like to actually have friends and family who care about me. I have given up all my friends, they've moved on with husbands, wives, children, families, school, degrees, diplomas, and jobs. I've been at a complete standstill for years now. I can't seem to make any lei weigh. Sometimes I just want to give in and break down, but I can't see that getting me anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm a 21 year old bipolar female of course I have breakdowns SOMETIMES, but I just can't control *those.* That itself gets really hard to deal with. I can't help thinking that My destiny is out there just waiting for me to chase it, but I just havent got the ability. I know fate waits for no one, but I hope for me, it makes an exception. I think I just need to write, and vent. I'll probably go do some photography later today. I haven't decided yet though. I wish someone could just tell me that everything would be okay. I want to know that everything won't end up terribly. I want to know that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life relying on everyone else. Everytime I get up on my feet, something comes along and kicks my knees out from under me. I just need to know SOMETHING, ANYTHING will happen eventually to get me back on track. I wish I could find faith, and feel in my heart all would be well.....but, I can't. I guess its just-- I'm so tired of feeling like I dont belong I know that I dont want to be here, and I know where I want to go, but I'm having trouble getting there when did my faith in mankind disappear when did I leave everything I ever wanted, and cared for behind? when did I give up my dreams, and why. All I want is for my dreams to come true, the same as everyone else. My dreams are nothing big, frivolous, nor do they exceed logical ability. My dreams are simple. Marriage, kids, home, love. Not a hard thing to accomplish, and yet everytime I think about it. I get sad. I am always sad. I miss feeling like that dream would come true. Now I worry more about living my life day to day, and my dreams have faded off into the background, they're turning into dust and sand....being whisked off into the sunset perhaps, just perhaps they'll settle somewhere with a new woman, and her dreams WILL come true. I can only wish, that my dreams will live on somewhere....because they arent living here.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to She only smokes when she drinks-Joe Nichols