The Never Ending Nightmare
10/22/2007 04:45 a.m.
I don't know why but tonight I'm feeling pretty down. I was talking to Michelle tonight, and I just really felt like being a bitch. Why? Because if it werent for me, her and jeff wouldnt even have *met* and he tells me that i'm his best friend all the time, and yet i havent heard from him in over a week All he talked about was visiting me, and yet I never saw him. And as of late, It just feels like he's got better things to do. I'm happy that they're happy together, but I guess them being together comes at a price, and I have to sacrafice my friendships with them, so that they can have their lives together. Or at least thats just the way it seems tonight.

I'm tired of living my life for everyone else. I bust my ass to make sure everyone around me is happy, and I get jack shit in return. Aaron is trying his hardest, and I'm fully aware of that, but then again so am I. I've been *trying* to get a job. Going to interviews. Getting applications. Doing ONLINE applications. You name it, I've been doing it, and I'm at a total stand still. We're completly broke, we've got no way of living, we never see each other, and even when we do, it's like we're not even there together...we're just co-existing. It's a terrible feeling, and I hate it. I want to leave Iowa, and just get away from it all. I dont want to leave my family, but I dont see them much as it is. I told Aaron he could move away with me, but I dont think he wants to. I don't know what to do anymore. I've got to do something though, because crying every night and fighting every day is no way to live.

To top everything off, I feel like I've lost all my friends. Everyone has something better to do, someone better to see. I'm sort of just a stand in for people when their real friends are away. I should just make a career of it, and become a professional friend stand in. I know that its hard to deal with my moodswings, and my bipolar, but what makes me such a bad person that no one wants to hang out? When I *do* go out with my "friends" we have a great time, and then I dont hear from them again for months upon months. There are a few people I actually *do* talk to, but go figure they all moved to different states. I'm tired of being used, abused, and walked all over by everyone. So if you don't like me, then don't talk to me. I dont care. Delete me from your page, your space, your friends, your life, your WHATEVER...I'm a big girl and I can handle it if you dont want anything to do with me. I'm tired of the FORT DODGE DRAMA, the bullshit, the two faced backstabbing liars, the skanks and whores, the crackheads, the druggies, and the terrible parents. I'm tired of the exes, all the opposite sexes, the wannabe gangsters, the wangsters, and feeling unsafe in my own home. Why can I not just lead a normal happy life? Why is my life destined to be so terrible. Where in my life did I do something SO wrong, that karma decided to fuck me over repeatedly and constantly?! I've always been a good person. I babysit my drunk friends, drive home my high friends, Hook up my single friends, let people live with me, stay with me, borrow money, borrow cars, borrow clothes, I mean, Ive already lived with a cancerous cervix, ovarian cysts, being kidnapped, being held hostage with a lead bat to my face, being thrown into a mirror, shoved down in broken glass, spent years abused, lived my life on prescription drugs, been arrested, been kicked out, lived under a bridge, in a car, in a parking lot, I've given up everything that I ever was, or wanted to be for the sake of EVERYONE else.....and I just can't say no. I can't say what I want, nor can I do it. I have to please everyone else. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I've lived through more than any of you will ever know, and yet...I can't do anything for MYSELF. I'm sick of being THIS girl. I want to be myself, who I *truly* am. I want to be loved for what I am, and hated for what i'm not if thats what it takes.

So...you know what, fuck it. This is the end of the line for the bullshit.
Something new is coming, just you wait.

I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to flyleaf