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The Journal of A. Paige White bottom guard
09/29/2007 02:42 a.m.
I can barely type. While it was exhilerating, it was also totally exhausting. Whew. I wrestled a three hundred pound man for an hour. Geeeeez... that one move, can't remember the name of it, he didn't even apply it hard and my neck and shoulder are still griping about it. I have no idea how sore I'm going to be tomorrow.
I feel so thankful. Wonderfully tired and ... grateful. The privilege of getting to know these two genuinely caring people is not something I take likely. The things some people endure daily. Leigh touched my heart to the deepest places with her honesty and willingness to allow her husband to teach me these... ahem... extremely intimate moves and even cheer for me and coach me. I am thankful there is some small justice in this world. That a man would rape a 14 year old girl with multiple schlerosis and wheelchair bound. My God. He deserved to be in unit 32. Her quiet dignity in telling me... What a beautiful young woman. And just last week an addict tried to break in on her. She broke his hand in the door with her chair. Thank God they had the dog. I respect Joe even more for the care he takes of her. My faith in men, well, some men, is restored. As weak as I feel right now, I can only imagine how sore I'm going to be tomorrow. lol, I don't even want to think about it. I am fired up and totally worn out at the same time. I can tell he really wants me to pursue it and even start trying to participate in tournaments. I dunno about all that. The fact that he's brought it up half a dozen times...I think I would, and would try really hard, just for him and Leigh. I'll even try my best just to make them proud of me. Yeah, I'm going to work really hard at this just for them. Thank you Jesus for expanding my horizons in such a wonderful way. It's so good to find a part of me that I'd lost touch with coming back to life. So strange. I didn't realize how much of me I'd lost so wrapped up in him. I feel myself opening up again like a flower budding. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why didn't I see what I'd become, what I'd lost? I'm astonished.
And then I had to go sign into myspace and see our picture. What a dilemma. What it represents is more accurate now than it was when our picture was taken. It still makes my heart hurt. So many things I wish I could just forget. Why can't I forget as easily as he did? WHY? Maybe he didn't treasure these memories like I did. Maybe it was a lie. Could I have been so deceived? If it meant as much to him as me, how could he walk away so easily? how?!? How could he throw us away? If didn't mean so much to him, how could I have fell for such a lie? I don't understand. I just don't understand. I guess I never will. I know one thing for certain. He's ruined me. I fell so deeply. Even though he's destroyed my trust in his love to the point I question if it was ever real, I'll never be over what it was to me. He fooled me that good, I guess. I guess that's why it took so long for me to come around to the idea that he was trying to be gentlemanly because he knew I was head over heels. Unhealthily so I guess to have put everything else in my life on hold, to do nothing basically waiting on building a life where we could be together. Still a knife in my heart to realize it was one sided. God, he fooled me. I thought it was real. I thought he was real. How would I ever be able to trust again? He's ruined me. Maybe that's what it took for whatever God has destined to be my future. It won't include anything deeper than friendship with a man.
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to the last unicorn
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