Being Alone
09/04/2007 10:29 p.m.
Sometimes I wonder if I am really alright. If I am ok with my life and its hit and miss direction. I seem to flop back and forth like a goldfish sucking puddles. I want to know what the future may hold and if it will all work out in the end, but I suppose I can not watch my life in fast foward and have to live in the moment. It is agonizing sometimes, but such is life.

I am trying to write and write but all of it seems to go back to the same general place. A place that I do not know how to let go of. I seem to constantly want but discourage help from others in my life. I know that I secretly want someone to hold me and walk me through like a child, but hide that with a sometimes rough exterior and a recurring drinking habit. I always feel stongest when I drink, and that no one can tell me what is right and wrong. Yet, I know that I am not right and that I need a swift kick in the ass from time to time.

I sit alone and home, sober and unwilling to drive in the rain to the bar that became my second living room. I want to go and have a drink, I do. But, I know that is not what I should do. I do not want to become the person it leads me to be, the person that is so much easier to be. I want to be happy with my choices, but I always feel that I may be making the wrong choice. That maybe, just maybe, what I give up on is not the right thing to do. When all of this first happened I said the easiest thing to do is not always the right choice, but I am finding that my choice was the easy way, and that letting go has proved to be much much harder.

How funny that it has worked out that way. I always thought that leaving him would be easier then staying, but it has proved to be much more difficult. Maybe it is not just the loss of him, but of my friends. My friends that have moved or proven to be maybe not as close as I thought before. I feel like letting go; or running away to state more accurately. Moving, and becoming some one new in a brand new place, with no reminders and no memories...
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to the rain