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The Journal of A. Paige White How can you tell someone
07/20/2007 12:32 a.m.
Really tell someone, that you just can't imagine what your life would have been without them..
I've sat down here after going through that old album...
pictures of me pregnant with you six day short of 22 years ago
looking at just how huge my belly was with you inside
remembering the first time i felt you flutter
the awe i felt knowing i carried my first child
a little person
not knowing if a boy or a girl
they didn't do sonograms on demand back then in rural mississippi
certainly not like it was when you had logan where they put it on dvd as a movie!
wouldn't have dreamed of such a thing back then
wondering what you would look like
if you'd look like me or ronnie or what the combination would be
if you'd have his dark indian skin and hair
or my light and sun bleached fair
with you my beloved daughter i experienced it all for the first time
i never dreamed all the beautiful new experiences i would have with you
carrying you inside my body was just the first
you had such a head full of dark hair
and lost it all
went bald
but when it came in it was gorgeous blonde curls so curly everybody called you shirley temple
so curly you couldn't tell which end was attached to your head
still curly but a dark shade between mine and Ronnie's color now
I love to watch you with this new cut you've got
watch you straighten it
you've always hated your curly hair
I don't know if it was because of our many battles for me to brush it when you were little or you just prefer a straight look
people pay good money to get the curls you got for free
my fair skin (which we've both enjoyed lamenting repeatedly) covers the dwelling of a beautiful spirit
a kind soul
so easily moved to great compassion
yet you've hardened too
i wish i could take away the heartaches and tears that left you harder
in this hard world i guess it was inevitable
i wish i could put what i know of living, most of all what i've learned of God, into your mind, to battle the depression you have struggled with lately.
you're so young! i know the frustrations you face overwhelm you sometimes and i wonder how long before you overcome the deepest betrayal of your young life.
...
How utterly proud of you i was to watch you be a beautiful lady. Suffering the heartbreak that all young mother's must fear the worst, you didn't retaliate in kind, you would just sit and cry and cry. And then I wanted to kill him with my bare hands.
y'all are back now, sitting at the kitchen table playing "bullshit" and i know you knew i would have to fuss because i don't want to see logan start talking like that. So jarrod offers his typical alternatives and i remember...
you walking down the trail to the back pasture with us, going to check on the cows and you skipping ahead to holler back, "watch out! Don't step in the cow dodge."
my... we've come a long way from there.
I'll never be able to tell you
to truly express what joy you've brought into my life
and you gave me logan
a little boy more perfect than I could have dreamed up, to adore in these latter years
because i remember...
what a little hellion you were at that age and though i'm tempted to whine that there is no justice in the world for you to have the perfect child, i can't.
lol, it's a deeper justice. It's making up for what a little demon you were at 2. Even Jarrod couldn't compare...
I don't think you have any idea how much I love sitting in here listening to you kids carry on. Even though Jarrod's bellows make me flinch. That boy sure can belt out some serious noise. Watching Kim look at him and remembering you telling me, "she loves her some Jarrod"...
Listening to Jarrod start to say some obscenity and look around to see if I'm near enough to hear him and choke on it.
Alex, "... it's against my religion." and all of you laugh.
I remember when you told me Jamie asked you to marry him and how afraid I was. Too young!
I remember...
when you and Jamie came tiptoeing in...
You almost had a scared look, to whisper, "Mommy... I'm pregnant" and how utterly shocked I was. Never saw it coming.
I remember...
when you started hurting really bad at only 3 1/2 months pregnant and it was appendicitis. Coming through your appendectomy with flying colors and... Logan was just fine.
I remember...
You're first fainting spell just a few weeks later... and your awful fear that I could allay because I did the exact same thing when I was pregnant with you. I just knew it wasn't any real problem. I was so filled with the peace of God through all these things, knowing it would all be ok and I thank Him for giving me such a precious gift.
You've added so much to my life, I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am. How proud I am of you for being such a great mother. A great sister. A great daughter. A great friend.
Happy birthday baby. I have loved you more than I thought was possible. Happy birthday.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Bob the Builder
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