I'm frustrated
06/17/2007 08:58 p.m.
I'm treading in new relationship territory, and I don't get it. There is this avoidance of/refusal to talk of the future, and it's like cold water splashed onto my passion. I seem to do alright when I have no expectations of the future, when I stay in this moment. But whenever I look toward the future and want to make plans, committments, it's just not good. Maybe it's my years vs. his, but when I think back to when I was 27, I still had the same desire, to have visions of a future and to build on that vision.

I just don't get what I'm supposed to do with myself here. I'm so afraid that if I just "wait and see" beyond when the kids are all graduated, that I'll be left in two years with a BIG empty nest, no kids, no long term relationship.....and I'm afraid of how it will feel. And here's the real kicker....any decisions I make or words I speak which are motivated by fear always suck....always. Fear based anything destroys rather than builds or makes safe.

In the past (and of course even though it's not particularly fair, I filter the present through these past experiences), a man that avoided speaking of our relationship in terms of a future together....those relationships ALWAYS went away. So of course there is the tendancy to project that outcome onto these new circumstances. But I love the man that I'm with now, even though I don't totally understand him, and....I am ashamed to admit it...I crave the security of committment, even though part of me KNOWS it's basically just an illusion anyway. NOTHING is EVER written in stone. Still, there is the intention of permanance in committment, and that, to me, feels better than this.....I don't know.....drifting that I seem to be experiencing. Well, I'm using the word committment and thinking of what my guy would say....He IS committed to me. So I suppose what the word I really mean to use is marriage.

Of course, even marriage carries no guarantees. Not one. Geeeze, I suck.


I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to traffic