I never went back to sleep
04/22/2007 07:23 p.m.


I never went back to sleep after my bad dream. Every time I close my eyes, flashes of places we've been, or things we were planning to do randomly attack my ability to deal with reality. My chest aches. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't seem to stop crying. I don't want to go through today, climb into that bed where we snuggled, wake up tomorrow or the next day without him. We were going to learn to prepare new vegetarian dishes together. We were going to go to Kah Nee Ta soon to swim in the natural hot springs. We had more hikes planned. We were supposed to go grocery shopping this afternoon together. He was going to teach my son more guitar chords. He was supposed to show me some more self defense moves. We were discussing the Bagavad Gita and the Vedic culture. I laughed more with him than I ever have in my life. My children liked him. My son, especially, misses him now. He was helping me take care of my grandmother, and she had grown to love him too.

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and won't get off.

It sounds like he died, but he didn't. He just had to go. Everything feels wrong, out of sync. I can't remember ever feeling this crushed by a loss.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to random thoughts of him