things I can't let go of.
10/27/2006 05:08 p.m.
- "hey, Emmy girl why don't you come and go with me? and let me show you what some good loving can be cause, I got so much love inside and I just wanna give it all to you, Emmy girl, to you Emmy girl" and anything else he ever sang to me just in my ear late at night.

- Sincere and Paris... mostly because of his lips and chin.

- what his mouth does when he cries.

- Sadie, Samantha and Sierra.

- the Decatur library.

- his real eye color.

- the truth about lesbians, piercings and whatever other fad you think he's into.

I don't know. so much of it is pride for knowing the "real" him. and the reason I only cried for a few minutes last night when that song came to me is because... I'm not sure I do really know the "real" him. I thought I did. there are things I doubt now because of things he's done. I loved those songs. I loved his voice. but did he mean what he was saying? I thought so. now I'm not so sure. that's why I didn't cry all night. that's what keeps me from going to him and telling him I want to be with him again. I don't. I don't even know him. he's not real. so much of what I miss, what I still love... it's not even real. it's something he invented to win me over. and it worked. and now that I'm seeing it for what it really is, I feel so cheated. he robbed those years from me pretending to be something he's not. and I look at new people he hangs out with like I looked at Jess when she started dating Tommy. they have no idea. they can't know who he really is. he won't let them in. he wouldn't even let me in. how deep can he really feel about anyone? everything he's telling them is bs. I want to tell them that. but who I am to ruin his game? no one told me that shit.

and moving on... there was a turning point. those last few messages on facebook feel like a real turning point. I never thought I'd get that. I never thought I'd want that. but when it came, I felt really very peaceful. but I have to actively remember the bad. the good comes when I least expect it. I'm just laying in bed, watching TV and a song in his voice pops into my head. I just sing along and cry until I remember he probably just sang me that song to wrangle me. that's what it all was. a ploy to keep me in a cage. even he admitted that. and that's not love. I fooled myself into thinking that's what it was. so I'm there crying and I feel like that pain might never go away and then I realize I'm mouring something that's not even real. it was never alive to begin with. and I remember bruises and crying and fear and anger and I can't cry anymore.

what I DON'T want is to let the past affect the future. he's not letting it. and I shouldn't let it. the people in my life now don't deserve that. that's what I'm trying to avoid.

I told him I loved him one last time just so he knows. just so that's what we end on. it's so funny because my dad's been telling me for three years that love's not enough. and he meant it in terms of money because that's what his big concern is, but he was right. love isn't enough sometimes. when your whole relationship is based, not on trust, but on jealousy... love isn't enough. I know we love each other like good friends do, but it's just not enough.

and I never thought I'd say that. but it's the truth. and, you know, I guess it's done.


I am currently Jaded