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The Journal of A. Paige White FEMA Hurricane Preparedness: Drinks for EVERYONE
09/15/2006 12:41 a.m.
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass
with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door
neighbor, whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even
though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his
bathroom. Repeat.
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CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir,
then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm
hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the
hurricane
that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.
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CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV
weatherman say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and
down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots
consecutively. (they should change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn
him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability
talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?)
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FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail
glass.
Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer.
Stir, and drink through a straw.
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BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you
drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey
where it belongs.
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DOWNED POWER LINE
1- 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure
out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without
television and AC.
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FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills
all over the countertop.
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COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting
in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip
and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue.
Repeat.
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LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of
your
house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill
shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters.
When
you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.
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THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.
Add
splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to
cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital
when it all goes horribly wrong.
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FOUR-WAY STOP
1- 1/2 oz. vodka
1- 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1- 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1- 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself
and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks
first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If
somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and
beat
the living crap out of him.
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BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight
months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an
unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum
and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
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FEMA FIZZLE
1 oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in
ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin
in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of
Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the
glass and say the toast, "Doing a helluva job Brownie"
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Just another one of those anonymous jewels Katrina wrote!
I am currently Boisterous
I am listening to The sounds of the Well Employed
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