Introspection for Breakfast
08/05/2006 08:24 a.m.
While dining on her thoughts she thinks she may have figured out what growing up is all about. (Note to self, boy it is a little late for that isn't it?) It may be the difference between doing what you want to do and doing what you have to do. Which makes no sense at all really, in youth you are told what to do by your parents, and you hate it but most of the time do it because you have to. Then you grow up and you are "told" what to do by society. You do it for quite some time, mostly without thinking; that is of course until something comes along and wakes you up. Then you get up, get dressed and eat your thoughts for breakfast, because you are hungry for something and food will not suffice.
While dining on her thoughts that are at this point rather tasteless and dry, her mind flashes back to the night before. When she went out to dinner with someone she did not want to be anywhere with, but was. To the empty spaces where they were supposed to talk, but never did anyway. The spaces that were now filled with the knowledge of how it could be and wasn't. Trying to alleviate the uncomfortableness of it all, she mentions a watercolor of two people dancing hanging in the dining room and says she likes it. He replies, "I think it is gay" not refering to joy of course, instead he is referring to his homophobic tendencies. Her attempt failed, as usual she returns to the place she started, within. Time passes, he says, "What are you thinking about?"... she says, "Nothing"....which really means everything. She can't help it really, she can hear Billy Joel somewhere in the background, Scenes From an Italian Restaurant, and it carries her further inside where the real "her" is trapped. Time of course passes as it always will, she attempts to eat, but nothing tastes like it did before. What used to be delicious is now tasteless, but she realizes the problem is not in her palate, it is in her mind. He, now the uncomfortable one, asks again...."what is your problem?" So she being curious as to what his response would be, asks "What do you think your future will be like?"....In a fashion typical of him, he starts to speak about, of all things, his dogs. Which one will take hound of the year, which one will be bred, which one runs the fastest, etc. etc....All about dogs, she thinks to herself again, "Why am I here?" not really listening anymore. Somewhere in the middle of his dogtalk, she interrupts with, "What about YOUR life?"
Snidely he replies, "My life?" and points to a woman in the corner who is holding a baby she is feeding, while eating at the same time. That he says is life, and you can't do that, so my life is all about dogs now. She responds, "Well perhaps you should find someone who can do that." His response? "It is not your fault you have bad breeding genes, I have decided to keep you anyway"
Then she is hit by the thought, my God I am just one of his dogs.
This is what she had for breakfast, there was much left over. But she was so sickened by the taste of it that it could not be finished. Tired of growing up, she considers growing down.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to false wind of a fan