Letter to My Self
07/31/2006 01:54 a.m.

July 25, 2006

Sometimes I want to ask, why do you love me? But there cant be a definite answer, so I dont ask anymore. It must be my defeatist self who wants to know. Who I am or want to be seems like a land of murky waters, and Im more lost than ever. I read a JE today of someone on Pathetic who bluntly declared that if you are depressed you should either stop complaining or just kill yourself. I felt nothing but contempt towards this apparent truth.

Still, I want to know why you love me, if only to remember why I should love myself. You fear the defeatist self, and I tell you that Ive been worse places and havent quit yet. Its true, I wont, despite this PAINthis emptiness. But I didnt tell you that its not because Im brave, but because Im a coward.

You hold back from me for love and fear, or you dont hold back from me for love and fear. Fear of loss I suppose. But I wonder what is there to lose? Either way Im too weak inside. But I know you, and you will say this means there is much room to grow hahaha Still I wonder what gain has there been for you? What meaning but a hope that brings a fear of shattering? Standing in the murky waters the defeatist self is queen, the one that action alone can conquer. Action alone. Instead we hold pity parties and drink, indulging in the misery. Its true, one should either STOP or just end it.

Meaning has no meaning no matter how I struggle to give it definition, to give it a form when the only meaning is formlesswhen the only meaning is HERE, a distant star away, and the journey a miracle in the making if one step alone can be made.

Maybe writing this counts as action. I hope it does. I hope in all hopelessness. Because I dont have the strength of mind or body to do any more at this particular moment. But still one thing I know for sure is that I have no intention of ever giving up, for whatever reason, be it cowardly or courageous.