The dream family
06/29/2006 09:14 a.m.

I didn't realize until this last weekend that I've spent the last ten years trying to build this (albeit imperfect) dream family.

In the dream lives the mom, the step dad (a man of exceptional character, quick wit, high energy, wise beyond his years, smarter with money than me, kind hearted, full of love and always hopeful)my children (who are adored by this man and whom, given enough time and love, grow to adore this man) and his children (who are adored by me, and whom, given enough time and love, grow to adore me back). We have lazy Sunday morning breakfasts full of way too much food and plans for the next weekend and stories of however we spent the Saturday before. We make big happy occasions of mundane necessities like going to the grocery store and doing the dishes. We go to the park and play, bring the dogs and the frisbies and the gloves and balls. We plan simple but fun excursions to Kah Ne Tah to swim and horseback ride, camping trips and the like. We have a big jar filled with quarters and dimes, waiting for the day we drive to Disneyland. We have family night and make lots of popcorn and watch everything from Monty Python to Pay it Forward. We all laugh alot, and even our arguements are solved with thoughtful words and tearful embraces.

Ok, so it was silly and maybe even a little nauseating. Still, it was my dreamy focus for the last many years, and I woke up this weekend realizing that, with my youngest children 15 and my oldest daughter getting ready to leave for Basic training in August...well. The dream has probably been dead for some time, and the blue lips and ghostly palor cannot make use of the life I still wish to breathe into it.

It's a palpable loss, the lump of it hanging out in my throat simply waiting for its cue to rise up and choke me.

It's a corner I have to turn, but I think if I take it too quickly I'll crash.
I am currently Embarrassed
I am listening to the lump in my throat