more on confidence.
06/12/2006 04:17 p.m.
Joel's been encouraging my confidence and now Ced's started doing the same thing. it's got me thinking. things are a little jumbled so I apologize if this makes no sense or is poorly written... like you'd expect anything else from me.

sex. my thoughts about sex have changed dramatically over the past three years. I had conversations with Koye in high school where I said, "I know how emotional I am, and I have to take that into account when it comes to sex. I know I can't handle casual sex. it has to be emotional." and I clung to that idea for years. because it's what I had experienced. Eric had always been loving and true and absolutely the perfect choice of who I should lose my virginity to. he continues to be all those things. that's what I knew of sex.

but, being the curious and hard-headed person that I am, I knew there were different experiences out there and I wanted them. I broke up with Eric so I could have them. this was the Ronnie fiasco. it was horrible. afterwards, I sat in a chair in Ronnie's room and cried. he tried to comfort me, but I felt a sleazy cheapness I'd never felt before. I hated myself. and I went back to Eric convinced that I'd been right all along about my emotions. but it was weakness that led me back to him. he was comfortable. he was my substitute for self-esteem.

this year I met Ian and Phil. people who had casual sex like it was the easy, normal, right thing to do. I became a part of that group. I began to believe that it was possible for me to have casual sex and be strong. I watched Phil do it. I studied Phil. his words hit me like bricks because they were SO full of nonchalance. I wanted to be that. I wanted to be so strong that I could brush off rejection without a second thought. I repeatedly shut him down and his attitude remained "suit yourself." it was attractive because I wanted to be that. I wanted to give in because I respected it so much. it was the opposite of me. it appeared to make life so much easier for him and I wanted that ease. I wanted the freedom to screw someone and then the next day be cool with them, but not in love. I looked at that as the ideal of what sex should be. just sex. even though I knew what had happened with Ronnie hurt me, I convinced myself that I was just doing it wrong. I hadn't set out NOT to get attached. I hadn't actively stopped myself from falling for him. I figured maybe if I really tried, I could do it.

and Eric gave me my chance. he did something I swore I'd break up with him for doing. and I did. I broke up with him. but we both figured that it wasn't permanent. I told him I wanted to get back with him, but I wanted him to change that particular behavior before we could.

during this "break" or whatever you want to call it, I went out with Ian, Tommy and Phil. I was tipsy and Phil walked me home. everyone knew what would happen. I denied it would happen til the moment it happened. and the next day... I felt fine. I'd actively stopped myself from falling for Phil, and it had worked. I still had (and still do have to some degree) a level of respect for him and I liked him as a friend. he's a very likeable person. but I still didn't feel right. I knew that - in some way - I'd been used. of course, he'd been used too. but he didn't care. it didn't bother him that I'd used him. but it bothered me.

and what this finally means to me is that I have some level of self-respect. I'm more than a vagina. I'm more than a body. I'm selling myself short to allow myself to be used purely for sex. I'm so much more than that. I'm so much better than that.

I told Ced that I feel like all boys want is someone who looks nice and some sex. That because that's so true, 90% of what makes me so wonderful is completely useless to them. and do you know what he said? it was so simple. he told me that I don't need people like that. and I don't. what do people like that do for me? what did giving in to Phil do for me? it didn't advance me in any way.

completely setting my looks aside cause that's an entirely different journal entry, there are things about me that make me a great person. I love who I am on the inside. I love that I know good music and movies. I love that I'm thoughtful of other people and try to take time to show them I'm thinking about them. I love that I can give a compliment freely - just to let that person know what I'm thinking - and not expect one in return. I love that I'm interested in and knowledgeable about tons of different subjects. I love that I love learning. there are things about me that make me great. and none of those things involve looks. and people who don't care about or refuse to see those things are worthless to me.

what's a compliment about my looks? someone complimenting me on something I had nothing to do with and that won't ever last. I don't need it. it's not what's important about me.

and casual sex does not equal power. the power is being able to have standards and stick to them. and I'm talking about real, viable, important standards. like... they love me. they respect me. they're a good person. things that matter.

there's no good ending to this so I'll just stop this ramble here.
I am currently Thoughtfull