breaking up
04/09/2006 09:46 p.m.
when Justin left today he said it looked like I was about to cry. and I was. and I did. and I haven't stopped since he left. but he has no obligation to me. there's no reason he should do anything more than notice and be concerned that I'm going to cry. and why shouldn't I cry? this is the first time I've left myself be alone since Eric and I broke up. I've kept myself occupied from the very hour we broke up until now. I've had people around. I was in Andre and Justin's room or here in Kennedy with Justin and Rushaun and whoever. the day it happened, even when I couldn't really cry cause I was in their room, I did cry. I couldn't help myself. and Andre asked me if I was ok and gave me some chocolate pudding and everyone in the room sat and ate pudding with me. that night Justin and Rushaun came over and talked with me all night long about everything. Rushaun stayed over and I slept on the couch while he was on the futon. I didn't even lay in my bed. last night I was extremely intoxicated for most of the night but I was surrounded by people and distractions and, more than anything, someone to just provide some physical contact. I smoked a cigarette. I haven't done that since 6th grade. even when everyone had gone and Justin was still asleep while I was awake, I was ok. cause I had someone to take care of. to check on every commercial break. something to keep me from calling Eric. no way to lock myself in my room and make bad decisions. but now they're all gone, I'm a wreck and Eric is fine. he's fine. he's moving on. his profile on facebook says he's looking for dating and a relationship. he wants someone else. he told me we'll never get back together. never. he said never. and I mean, I did this. I wanted the space. I wanted to be alone. I wanted the opportunity to do whatever I want. but I can't do this. I'm so weak. I've spent three years being a part of an "us" and not just "me." I don't remember how to be me. I don't know who am I. but he knows. how does he know? why is he acting like he knows? to hurt me? I do deserve to be hurt. I do. I didn't have to do what I did. I could have had him. and he said he gets upset sometimes. he said he thinks about those times when he was playing the game and I was laying in bed waiting for him to come sleep next to me, he said he wished he would have just turned off the game and held me. he sounded sad when he said it. like he might cry. but he won't let me have the satisfaction of knowing he misses me. but he does. he loves me. I love him. I hate this.

what I hate even more is that I know I'm going to hurt someone else as a result of all this. or maybe it'll just be me. maybe I'll just keep getting fucked over. and I'll deserve every second of it cause I fucked Eric over so much. I should appreciate it. I should accept it. I should go, "oh, you want to fuck around with my head and my emotions? ok. that's good. do that. I need that. I should have that all the time." because that's what I deserve.

I can't do my work. I have no desire to go to class. I have no desire to write a paper. I have like 5 papers coming up. I haven't written any of them, I don't want to. maybe I won't. I have no desire. I want to lay in my bed and cry.

fuck.
I am currently Sad