I have to do something.
04/08/2006 01:10 a.m.
so I might as well write here. all kinds of things have happened. and I think this time it's for real. and I don't really know how I feel about that. I wanted it. I said, "I want to be alone." and I do. I want to know I can do that. I want to know I'm ok by myself. I want to be able to make decisions for myself and not have to answer to anyone. I haven't been able to really understand freedom for three years. and after this semester, I wouldn't ever understand it again. my life is over. in so many ways.

and there's something wrong with me. I can't stay faithful to someone who absolutely loves me and treasures me and hasn't ever done me really wrong. there's something wrong with me. I'm dysfunctional. but I know I'm doing something right here. I know breaking up with Eric was the right thing to do. it was wrong to wait so long to do it. we're not right for each other. we're not happy. I'm doing him SO wrong. I've been a terrible bitch to him. and there's no end in sight. there's no reason to continue and realize once we're married and have kids that things just aren't going to work. divorce is ugly. from all that I've seen of it, I want to avoid it. it's taking away my favorite nephew. best way to avoid divorce is to avoid marriage. best way to avoid marriage is to avoid relationships. I want to be alone.

but I hate this. I hate to see Eric upset. I love him so much. I have such strong feelings for him that it just kills me to hurt him. but somehow I know that this hurt is preventing so many future hurts. if I didn't hurt him now once and for all, I'd be hurting him repeatedly in the future. I have to be strong and let this go. it's not a healthy relationship. it's not right. it has to be over.

I'm losing so much. he was so much. he is so much. he's one of the best people I've ever known. I don't want him to make any mistakes because of this. he's saying he's going to quit. he's saying he's going to leave Hendricks. I hope he doesn't. he needs his job. if he loses his job because of this, I'm going to hate myself. even more than I already do. I do hate myself for this. I've seriously hurt someone. I just keep hurting him. I'm so wrong in this. I hate that. I hate that I just keep fucking stuff up. and I know it's all my fault. I know there's just something wrong in me.

fuck.
I am currently Sad