Don't Go Far When You Have to Come Back
04/04/2006 08:42 p.m.

April 3rd, 2006

I just found myself in a situation in which I was indulging, becoming part of the conversation I was previously attentively enjoying observing. I suddenly found that I had ceased to be the observer, and began to indulge as if I had a stake in the non-issues being discussed as issues. Any one of the roaming words could, at this junction, suddenly fly towards my emotionally recharged center, sticking to some association of mine. Words mean nothing objectively, but subjectively they can take on any number of apparitions. Once I closed my eyes and landed in the center of my stage, those words suddenly became as magnets, helplessly attracted to the emotional charges created by the associations I passively allowed to take control. Impressions create or change a mood, the mood creates or changes the quality of an emotional charge, and the emotional charge invites the possibility of all sorts of external and internal influences, both positive and negative. It's here that one must CONSCIOUSLY INTERFERE, because there is, among all the happenings, only ONE CHOICE. ACTION.

Indeed, general emotionalism followed by negative thoughts was the direction things were heading, and for a moment there was a little sting that came in the form of a few words from the corner of the room. Luckily, (though not with immense quality of concentration,) I had been previously present and observing and alert, talking to myself and actively reminding myself, "small small wins Rula, nothing else for now. Think of nothing but what you have in front of you and ACT upon it. Just DO by UNDOING all the other thoughts trying to enter your mind to kill your composure. One thing at a time and you just can't fail. You have nothing to lose. Observe and UNDO."

Because of these active suggestions repeated over and over only moments ago, I immediately recognized the trap I had fallen into by letting my attention drift into the land of indulgence. So, after having reacted a bit emotionally and non-sensically to a comment on an issue that, presently, is irrelevant to my life, I quickly removed myself from the situation before the emotionalism that was surfacing could take a firm hold. I began to think logically at that very moment, and the flow of negativity suddenly regressed into a rapid ebb. And do you know what happened just then? I began to laugh on the inside. Yes, I actually laughed! A genuine laughter from the point of view I had just returned to, the observer, that of an observer of my self and others.

I feel good. I am not jumping up and down, but I KNOW I just won a tiny victory, and already I feel a twinge of a faint energy surge. I will not waste this tiny surge. I will not turn it into negative thought or consume it by meaningless excitement or more indulgence. I am now going to let it propel me into the next moment where I will UNDO again, claiming yet another tiny win that will again propel me to the next moment of undoing, and the next and the next….conserving and refining all the while. Now, back to work.