I Need to Talk To Myself Out Loud, Actively Listening
03/26/2006 03:37 p.m.

March 23, 2006

I need to talk. I need to talk to myself, but actively. I need to SHOUT out LOUD, to REGISTER the suggestion deep inside my subconscious. When one remembers to practice and tries but fails, one can say “well, keep going, you will eventually attain, this is a process,” while deep inside his subconscious another more penetrating voice is saying, “you don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t even begin to begin, so how can you ever achieve anything even remotely resembling a fraction of a fraction of presence, of LIFE? How can you ever know without knowing when you can’t even take the first step to knowing what knowing without knowing means? Hahahahahaha I like this writing exercise. This helps so much, and I can actually laugh at myself, this idiot self who is so fond of negative suggestions and fighting hopelessness instead of embracing it and USING it against itself.

There was a time when I didn’t necessarily understand the difference between feeling helpless and accepting one’s helplessness. That is to say, in both cases the person remains helpless doesn’t he? But lately, or maybe just this very moment, I had a very clear understanding of what that difference really means. It is a matter of not letting the helplessness become an obstacle to those other things which one might actually be able to help. Suppose, for example, that I make a so called choice which in my eyes results in a ‘bad’ consequence. At this point I can do one of two things, I can either say “well, there’s nothing I can do to change this, it’s in the past. I know better now,” or I can say, “I can’t believe what an idiot I am! I am so worthless, I can’t do anything right! I just don’t know why I even try at all! I shouldn’t even attempt to take risks or make weighty decisions,” and from then on avoid and overlook every possibility and opportunity which comes my way. Well, this is a case of accepting one’s helplessness with regards to our inability to go back in time, though one can use any million other examples which include any external life situation we find ourselves caught in without having any say in the matter. Interestingly, though we can’t change historical events in time, we are more than capable (in fact we are experts) at going backwards and forwards in time using our minds to project assumed situations and daydreams and fantasies based on past experiences, perceptions, and created associations. This is precisely what kills the present moment, what makes the present so utterly inaccessible for humankind. It is the mind, so wholly conditioned to live for its own sake, that refuses to remain STILL. It’s as though the mind has a mind of it’s own, and this mind of the mind has been conditioned to feel that SILENCE means death of the mind, and that thoughts mean life. So, it continues to think, despite that the person it’s doing the thinking for is being negatively impacted by his NONSEEING of the very moment he is in, the actual no-place/no-time that LIFE occurs. It simply cannot occur at any other juncture but HERE and NOW. Still, we are always waiting for what comes next. We want to know what is going to happen, where we are going, how will we get there, what does it all mean etc etc etc. We’re just not AWARE that we are always in the next moment, and hardly ever in the one we are in.

Well, I have digressed for sure, but then this is an exercise in not thinking too hard but just actively letting myself write down as I am realizing, or rather, spouting out whatever comes to mind as a means of killing my anxiety and emotionalism hahahahaha

So, the difference between feeling helpless and accepting one’s helplessness is that the fact that the former is fighting against a force that can never be overcome, whereas the latter forgoes resisting that which is impossible to resist, and moves on to something he feels he can possibly mold or influence in his life. There is simply no room for growth if you live in the former world, because all your energies are being exhausted meaninglessly and never with any lasting impact or result. It’s like protesting against the sun’s drought on your fields by burning down your own house as well. You accomplish nothing but working against yourself, and end up having to spend twice the energy to recover your losses, which by the way can’t be recovered if you continue to burn down the house each time you see the sun coming for your field. Instead, one can say, “well, I will plant cactuses” or “I will plant trees and create shade,” or “I will build an irrigation system,” or a number of other things that don’t fight against, but use the nature to overcome the nature. Ok, NOW I am thinking too much and I am finding myself getting lost, and sensing that there are gaps in all my logic that need filling. I am thinking and no longer just writing. Writing now becomes a waste of time and energy because the intention of this exercise is to help me gain composure, and not to make me feel more confused and upset at my inaction and inattention…you can see how easy the mind swings from one state to another when it draws on all the past associations as it is presented with impressions…I am beginning to draw on those associations with myself as being worthless and unintelligent and emotional etc etc but STOP. Now just STOP. There is nothing to say, nothing to think. Just BE.

I am not STOPPED. I am not ME. Where is that loud voice I intend? I am thinking about why I talked so much earlier instead of waiting and working things in with patience, in time, so as to take a more controlled approach to making my external conducive to my internal? There was no reason for me to divulge so much information in one go to one person. But I was too eager to continue creating an image (which I believe in) that will mold my external into a softer and easier place to LIVE in. I was too eager. Why do I talk so much and SEE and DO/UNDO so little?? I could keep typing ‘why why why why’…but that will lead me nowhere and to more meaningless harmful negative talking and more non-doings. I’m done now, just SEE how easy it is to go from intellectual state of being to an emotional state of being all depending on how the mind jumps from association to association. STOP. What is needed is ONE state of BEING: PRESENCE.