I Am a Walking Dead Woman on a Killing Rampage
03/26/2006 03:28 p.m.

March 22, 2006


"Rula, the trick is in laughing, laughing on ones self. This is what detaches you from you."

"Okay," I said, "I'll laugh when I write, that's the only way for now since I can't laugh in my current emotional state, when these powerful energies have flooded my intellectual center. I will write and then laugh at the idiotic self I observe in the writing."

"Not 'for now,' Rula, FOREVER," he said.

FOREVER. OH GOD. FOREVER! This word just made my halting fears intensify all the more. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And yes I AM now really laughing at that!

Why should the word "forever" make me afraid? Why should any word, for that matter, make me afraid? It's simple. I am associating and understanding that particular word through my historic word experience of that word, but in a negative context, because I have allowed my mind to be influenced negatively by the powerful emotional energies. It's the projected thought of 'forever' as 'never' that creates the unfounded fear that is rising inside my chest like a gruesome monster. It's the concept of 'eternity' projected as the thought of its non-existence that creates the apparition of fear of death, both physical and metaphysical. I am a ghost who is chasing down other ghosts for the sake of declaring apparitions a REALITY. No, not for the sake of that, but for my conditioned need to INDULGE in my own FEARS and thus, to wallow in my own DEATH.

I am a walking dead woman on a killing rampage. This has been my state of being, or rather my state of NON BEING, since Sunday the 19th of March. Armed (for the third time as I recall,) with the greatest arsenal of fear I have ever managed to invent, I combed the conditioned streets of my mind and blasted everyone and every thing in sight. I have been particularly meticulous in the annihilation of those closest to me, and with an army of thoughts marching steadily and confidently behind me I have been an unstoppable force of NON BEING!! Hahahahahaha Just imagine (if you can) a dead thing trying to kill another dead thing as a means of protesting her perceived death! Hahaha it's just too funny really! Instead of using the realization of my death to turn around and just LIVE, I have turned the realization against my SELF and decided to remain DEAD. Consequently, this non-action has intensified the fear which first began when I realized my state of non-being.

I, a dead woman, refuse to acknowledge anything but the dead self, and claiming that I CAN'T LIVE am blasting away any positive suggestion of my ability to do so. Actually, I am not the dead killing the dead, but the dead giving rise to other dead things.

"Well," he said. "Your problem is the fear of being left alone. Rather the fear of the fear, since you are projecting assumed situations."

He is right. My problem is the fear of the fear of being left alone, since fear is an assumed situation and can never exist in the present moment if one IS from moment to moment. This fear in turn feels like a living kind of a DEATH, in which one continues to FEEL something that is not present, and thus, not really HERE, but THERE, in the land of projected TIME and SPACE. The land of projected TIME and SPACE is no land at all, but an apparition, yet another ghost made up by the negatively charged mind which is churning out meaningless and unfounded thought after thought.

"There is no thought which comes to mind that is not already known," he said.

Ohhh…how right! They simply keep repeating over and over again, taking you from nowhere to nowhere, the same thoughts with slight variations in shape and color, but never in substance. Rather, one should realize their lack of substance…it’s important to stress here that we are talking about ‘thoughts’ and not ‘ideas.’

A while back he said,, and I paraphrase, "There is no thought which can't be sensed wordless. One can even observe, analyze, and evaluate without thought."

Seeing one's own DEATH is, of course, much worse than being unaware of it. That is to say, knowing and not doing is the worst kind of non-existence because one is SEEING his NONDOING and suffering endlessly because he has not accepted his helplessness. Rather, he wallows in it, embraces it and then drowns in it, not only declaring all of existence meaningless, but also declaring that no meaning can be extracted from it subjectively either. Whereas if one doesn't see his non-existence, then he is not aware of his death, but lives his death happily mistaking it for life..

You might say to yourself, "well I would rather be ignorant than miserable." I myself contemplate this notion every time I feel frustrated with my failures and unable to turn them into a propelling
force. I shout angrily, "Why did I have to step out of that old dream!? I was happy there!" This emotional statement, however, doesn't hold water:

First of all, the fact is that I was NOT actually HAPPY in that old dream. I like to think in terms of the movie "The Matrix" when it comes to this thought. Though you may not know you are occupying a
dream, you still feel uneasy somehow, as though there is something amiss, something missing, something eluding you. This thing which makes you uneasy doesn't seem to make everyone else uneasy, or if it does you are not aware of it because it is something unspeakable and incommunicable. You might do one of several things to try and make yourself feel 'normal'. You might indulge in fantasies, chemical substances, give dreams within the dream undue meaning, or any other umpteen modes of escape that will keep you "numb" and momentarily distanced from that permanent underlying feeling of uneasiness. On the other hand, you might, instead of running away from that uneasiness, attempt to run towards it, chasing it down any elusive alleyway that might have an inkling of promise. In essence you are searching for the edge of the dream you occupy, though you may never consciously understand that this is what you are doing, you still sense the need to do it, as well as the faint clue of possible directions, though not necessarily the reasons for the faint recognition.

Second of all, it seems to be a relative truth that when one SEES what is before him, it becomes rather impossible to then UNSEE it! If one walks out of the dream he occupied, then he SEES it as a dream, and how can he possibly go back there? Because if one "knows", one has to really work so hard to "unknow". He basically has to intentionally re-blind the eye that has just been opened…but then the intentionality of this act in and of itself implies awareness, and that knowledge, though it has been re-suppress, still exists somewhere deep in the subconscious. And as we know, the subconscious is the root of our acquired personality.

Now, I admit that it's quite possible I am incorrectly assuming that my unhappiness in the old dream stemmed from the uneasiness sensed with regards to the non-existence of the dream itself. It's possible
that, having walked out of that dream, I have arrogantly concluded that it was MY DOING, as opposed to some kind of accidental or coincidental happening, as in a particular life changing meeting that I had which I am referring to. But even if I am mistaken, and the uneasiness was just the so called normal, average, every day anxiety brought on by the typical human biochemical and psychological conditions, I still feel that one who walks out of a dream would have previously registered some kind of impression which made it possible for him to be shocked into the next dream. And actually, this impression which registers and makes a person an INDIVIDUAL is NOT, actually his DOING either, but maybe just his LUCK, a result of the cause and effect chain and other laws I can’t imagine right now, but not CHOICE. That is to say, a shock to the common belief system is what brings a person out of one dream reality and into the next, but that same shock present before another person can go unnoticed, whereas you have, for some reason, not only noticed it, but REALIZED it in a way that altered your entire reality and turned it on its head! In fact, to be more precise, WHAT IS is always there though we are NOT there to recognize it. Thus, there is some factor which makes one person suddenly become AWARE, while the others remain where they were before.

But where am I now? What have I concluded? Have I gotten anywhere in all this talking? Hahahaha well I've decided to laugh!!! Everything is so ridiculous and I'm laughing and yet my body wants to cry, to scream, to give up completely!!! WHY???? WHY? WHY? WHY CAN'T I LAUGH AT MYSELF????

Hahahaha well I just SAW the emotional self for a moment and DID laugh hahahaha…ohhh how strange our state of being and non being. How complex we have made the simple. How impossible we have made the possible. Again…FEAR is overcoming my body and mind….

STOP. Simply STOP. YOU ARE RULA. YOU ARE LOVE. THERE IS NOTHING TO LOSE when you are already DEAD…there is only GAIN to be had…you must turn your losses into WINS by using them to propel you to ACTION! ACTION alone can help you attain LIFE. And another thing, if you can't laugh at yourself, and if you don't ACT and declare your final death, then you declare another's death too. So, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU ARE RULA. YOU ARE LOVE…