Lost, I Must Recall Our Destination
03/22/2006 09:47 p.m.

March 19th, 2006 Frankfurt Airport 9:15 a.m.


I am here, but I am not here. I have never been here in all my so called life. Even before my departure I was feeling the loneliness and desperation building up. Most of all, it was the fear which I was fearing, continually projecting an assumed reality of death.

On the plane all the emotional energies swarmed the intellectual center and swooped down mercilessly. No utterance of logic had any kind of penetrating impact on my subconscious and the body was simply reacting to the overwhelming fear with relentless, uncontrollable tears. Even now I am fighting them back.

“I can’t stop the thoughts,” I thought, and became even more emotional. “These boots were made for walking…” playing endlessly like an out of control playback recording of one line. “I should have packed the bags this way or that way…I wasted all the money I had because I was emotionally distraught and couldn’t think straight. I had no control. I have no control.” Most of all, I thought “I am dead without my LIFE,” constantly projecting a physical death of my life and the subsequent metaphysical death of the other. Fractions of moments came in consciousness and went by, weak, almost non-existent. Will I ever be able to stand where I am? I made a phone call when I arrived, though I was feeling a great disappointment in myself. But I needed to hear, first hand, that my LIFE was not lost on any plane. I needed a reminder that was not my own faint, almost dead voice. I did receive it and I embraced it, though the fear was still everywhere to be found. Thoughts are nothing, they are not WHAT IS, I let him remind me for the moment the receiver was in my hand.

I’m listening to people around me talking so meaninglessly, accomplishing nothing, going nowhere. I think about 30 years of wasted moments. Thirty years!! How can I continue to waste, to sleep, to live my death over and over again? I must simply STOP NOW. I just can’t wait for a happening. There is no life in waiting for the next moment because there is NO next moment. How can I realize the truth of this statement and yet continue to project my fears, my dreams etc. there in that non-existent space in that non-existent time? This is the horror of the situation. How can one ever find LIFE if even in knowing he wallows in his DEATH, indulging in every fear and every dream and every effect of every cause he is predisposed to indulge in?

I see now that no one can be changed. No one has a choice. I alone can change, and I alone can become the active force in the happenings of my life. But still, in this projected moment I am NOT and because of this I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of loss, I’m afraid of death on every level. I’m afraid of being stuck in the knowing without that hand to guide me into DOING.

STOP. STOP! All life is spent crossing the bridge before we come to it. The time is NOW and the process of reaching cannot tolerate emotionalism. The work ahead of us is the process which we can’t afford to dismiss or give up. I am helpless if you die and you are helpless if I die. We are helpless in all aspects of this existence. So we must simply realize and accept this helplessness because there is no other way OUT. Just hold on tight as long as the laws permit, and we will interfere as the active force all we can by using our special desire, our obsession, our insistence on LIVING. There is so much hard work ahead of us in order to reach this very moment. I just can’t give up my LIFE for NOTHING! I am not prepared to die! And ahead I am not AM at all, but continuing to live my death! What there is to lose is not HERE, and what is HERE can never be lost. There I am, and here I am not. What is loss of LIFE when one never LIVES? There is nothing to lose, death is already here and so is physical death a certainty. There is only gain to be had and all losses must be assessed and evaluated based on their potential to be used for our GAIN. Yes, WE CAN and WILL STOP. STOP is our final perpetual destination.

Mood: Afraid, Alienated, and Alone


I am listening to The Unreality of the Internal and External Realities