Hi! I'm Ray Jay Hill
03/13/2006 12:27 a.m.
I have been taking magic homeopathic beans made from saw palmetto extract for several years. Yesterday, I read a report that indicated that other than a possible placebo effect, there is no evidence to support the claim that Saw Palmetto reduces the likelihood of prostate cancer in men.

I wonder if doubling the dosage would help. Maybe I could try burying a dead chicken at the foot of a birch tree on a night when the moon is full, followed with the proper incantation.

Maybe for good luck, I could have a four leaf clover tattooed on the purplish-pink helmet head of my poor little pecker. Alas, very small leaves. ¡QUE LASTIMA!

I have been trying to figure what the attraction is to a show entitled “American Idol,” and this is what I believe:

I would never call myself a fan of the show. In fact, to do so would cause me considerable discomfort. I will admit to have watched a few episodes in the past two years. I notice that I am most drawn to the rudeness and callousness of the judges, along with observing the awkward, embarrassed, and often angry reactions of the contestants. This show is an artificial and manufactured drama intentionally set to generate bad feelings under the guise of a “talent show.” Let’s face it, talent shows are nothing new, but bad manners have never been so in vogue! You may claim you watch the show for the lovely vocalizations, but these grizzly eyes can see through lies.

I think I am through with it. I wash my hands of it with anti-bacterial soap.

Here is something else I want to say: Motley Crew, Kiss, and Bon Jovi really, really stink at what they do. They are atrocious, sub-mental, no-talent bums. They are so bad that no one should have ever bought any of their wretched stuff. Had that happened, I wouldn’t even know who the hell they are, which is how it should be! Having said that,I feel better.

But wait, there is more. There is always more.

I would rather watch that crazy-ass Tim the Grizzly Man on the Discovery Channel. Have you seen him? He was nuts in a way that I greatly admire. The poor fellow was good and tired of living with humans, so he went to Alaska for 13 straight summer seasons to live among the wild grizzly bears. He named them, talked to them, stood beside them as they fished for salmon, swam in the lake with them, and even touched them on their grizzly bear button noses.

What is it that you think finally happened to old Tim the Grizzly Man, who lived so closely with wild grizzly bears?

Exactly.

I believe that the number one collective goal of western civilization is instant gratification. Our consumer driven capitalistic structure is geared and glued to it. Corporate America’s prime directive is to provide it faster, cheaper, now. We say, “Give me what I want, give it to me now!.” I don’t know if this is human nature or learned behavior. If it is human nature, we probably aren’t much good. This is why I can understand and even admire Tim the Grizzly Man. Tim’s brand of insanity had a twisted and misguided beauty, ours does not.

“You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay but you doesn’t have to call me Johnson.” Do you remember when the entire nation was grooving to this ultra-cool proclamation? I couldn’t get enough of it. I used to deliver that catchy bit in this altered Barry White-like voice several times per day. This made me enormously popular with my piers. What the hell was that guy advertising?

I know this much. Ray Jay Johnson was a superstar, unlike that American Idol crappola. I’ll bet that in his hey-day Ray Jay had a bevy of buxom babes with which to fornicate.

Here is a thought. In fact here is a really, really obvious thought, and it is the awful truth. Had George W. not been born into a wealthy family and fathered by a dad who became president of the good old U.S. of A., I don’t believe George W. would be president now, especially when I factor in the fact that he, by his own admission, spent over half his adult life drunk as a skunk. George W. Bush: Failed businessman, drunkard, president.

While I'm no Grizzly Man, if they would construct a habitat for me, I would choose to live as an exhibit at the North Carolina Zoo. I sure do like the zoo, and just think how well I would be cared for! I would love to live in a Commie society! Imagine how kind and wonderful people have to be to make such a thing work. From each according to his abilities. To each according to his needs. I love the zoo!

You may ask me what I think of the ill feelings that continue to stew between Non-Muslims and Muslims around the world. I'm going to let They Might Be Giants speak for me:

"Person man, person man
Hit on the head with a frying pan
Lives his life in a garbage can
Person man

Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with person man?
Degraded man, person man

Triangle man, triangle man
Triangle man hates person man
They have a fight, triangle wins
Triangle man"

Again, I’m a Bugs Bunny ether ramlin’ kind-a-guy.

Nighty-night, my fellow earth bound waifs.
I am listening to Nick Cave