make it stop.
02/04/2006 04:11 a.m.
I don't know what to do. something's different ever since what happened with him and barbara. I told him something was missing now, and that I didn't know where it went to or how to get it back. something's changed. I don't know where to find it, or ifI even can right now. Maybe the cuts are deeper than I thought. this sort of thing doesn't seem to be something i can just tape over, and i've tried. Maybe I need time away from him. Maybe we need to see other people. I just don't know anymore.Loving him used to be the thing I knew. The concrete thing. Now I know that yes, I love him, no it won't stop, but there's something I can't find in there. Maybe an innocence that's passed. I know he's a good person. Good people make mistakes. I know she's a good person too. Underneath it all she really is just another human being and I can't put her in a box and say I hate her, because I don't. I don't hate her. Something between me and her is gone now, but it doesn't mean I hate her. I don't know if it means I can ever get it back. Talking to her was the scariest thing I've ever tried to do. Saying anything to her was terrifying. I know I made a remark here or there that was uncalled for, but I guess she realizes that that bitterness doesn't just dissolve.

Then there's Kellie. Kellie loves me. This is just a simple truth. A fact. He loves me to pieces and it hurts him to see me hurt. It hurts him to see me search and search for something that maybe just doesn't exist anymore. I love him too, but Jordan knows that. I told Jordan that when we got back together. I love Kellie. Somehow it doesn't detract from me loving Jordan, I love Jordan all the same. I feel like I don't know Jordan anymore though, although he insists he's the same guy as ever. I'm so exasperated, and how many tries is a girl supposed to give a guy? 1. 2, maybe, if he's really into it. But 3? 4? With someone right there who is looking at this going "Does he not realize what he has here?? Who he has?" Jordan once prided himself on being able to give girls exactly what they need. Love them better, if someone else loved them. That's how he got me. Loved me better, so I took a chance. And then another. And now another. Because I figured hey, I'm worth that much love. I'm worth that. And so I took it. And now.... now that strong, steadfast love feels broken. It's there but it's so broken between us, and time could heal it, but is that time time with or time apart? And so now here's Kellie, offering me what Jordan either can't or won't. And NONE of it means I don't love Jordan. I can't help loving Jordan. Loving Jordan is in me. I'm sure Morganna still loves Jordan, inside herself. But he made a mistake. A big mistake, when he told me he was in love with me and he fucked her instead. He made a mistake with her when he dropped her and ran to me, but running to me didn't turn out so bad. What if running to Kellie turns out not so bad? WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL OR THINK?! WHEN WILL EVERYTHING FEEL OKAY AGAIN?! This thing with him and Barbara has screwed me up in so many ways, on so many levels, in places I'm sure I just haven't dug deep enough to find. I went crazy that day. I died. When I woke up the world was not anything like I had remembered it. It was barren except for Kellie and my family, and Jen and probably Becca. The landscape shifted. All of a sudden, no matter what, Jordan didn't love me selflessly. Jordan wouldn't always be there, and faithful, and mine alone. It sent the message that him loving me wasn't enough to keep him from doing the one thing that could crush me like this. Loving me wouldn't allow him to pause and think I'm going to destroy Trish. This is going to fucking kill her. Oh God, I can't do that to my baby, I just can't. No. What ever he felt for me that day wasn't enough. And now, now maybe it's like I feel like I never could be enough. Maybe not never, but certainly not now. That whatever love he may feel for me now can't possibly be enough, because it wasn't enough to stop him from doing that. That is what I think is going on inside my head. I don't want to hold it hovering over him for all eternity, but at the same time, saying sorry doesn't relieve you of accountability. It means alot, but it doesn't mean aquittal. I care about him so much. I just don't know how to heal myself, and he doesn't have the time nor motivation it seems to find a way. I love him. That goes on without saying. but he's always had trouble realizing what he loves and how to keep it until its too late. And it's getting there. It's really truly getting there, and amazingly not for lack of love.
"all you need is love is a lie cuz we had love but we still said goodbye. Now we're tired. Battered fighters.
And it stings when its nobody's fault cuz there's nothing to blame at the drop of you name. It's only the air you took, and the breath you left."