Fovea. I like that word.
12/12/2005 10:56 p.m.
Nobody's watching. And I guess that's fine. I guess I maybe don't want anyone to really watch me, and thats why I don't blog. I thought about why I don't open up a blog, but I decided I like it here. I journal, here, in this relative obscurity. Kellie reminds me every day that I shouldn't settle for less than I deserve. Trouble is I forget what that is at times. He let's me know that I'm an amazing person, but I don't feel amazing to some people. I know that. I can't shake this funk. I keep asking why, and it's sad, because there is no why. Everything that's happened- it just happened, and thats all. There is no explaination. They're feel-doers, want-doers. They feel something, or want something and they just do it. Impulsive. That's just the way it is, the way they are, that's the opt-out.
I miss Barbara and the friendship we had. I miss it so much. I'm not as cold as I wish I was. I wish I didn't care, but I do care, and it's Christmas soon. Why? I keep asking why and there is no why and it's the most heart wrenching thing ever because I can't call her at two in the morning and cry to her about all of this because she is what all of this is. And if I called him, what would he say but "yup" and "I hear ya." There'd be no words of comfort there, save for the occasional "I love you" and reasonable comfort that brings. I feel so shell shocked that I keep running from comfy place to comfy place in hopes of feeling different. But I can't... I just can't do anything.

Jordan found me today, watched me fall down the stairs infront of the library. He ran up to me and kissed me and smiled and looked so happy to see me that I had to smile. That's how he says sorry. He force feeds lightness into the situation until its full. He hardly ever just throws up a sincere sorry, and its funny, for all the effort it takes to pretend like feelings aren't hurt, sometimes a sincere sorry is so much more fulfilling. In any event, I smiled this time.

My bed is a soft place, and I think I'll lay there, haha. I just aced a bio midterm I think, which rocks. Only chem, psych and english left. Woo!