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12/01/2005 08:11 a.m.
I fucking hate this!!
I FUCKING HATE THIS! And I hate technology for not allowing me to convey the tone of my voice when I say I hate this shit so much. I want things to be like they were! I want to turn back time! I want none of this to have ever happened. It doesn't feel fair. It isn't fair that I can be with him and not with her, but how the fuck do I change the past? I could handle being hurt by him again. I'd go. And I'd handle that, and I'd be ok eventually. But I can't go through this shit with her again, I just fucking can't and I hate it! I hate her for having not seen how much this was going to fuck everything over. I hate him for not thinking, for not loving me right then. I hate her for that too. And yet I love him, and I miss her. Every time it enters my head I'm broken. Everytime I see her I'm broken. Why is that I'm always cherished after the fact? But I'm shit all in the moment. I trusted so much, and now its shattered. How many times had she said she'd never? Who would have thought. And it makes me feel like such a fool and... It's so broken. I mean that. It feels absolutely dissolved in mid air and I wish it hadn't broken! I wish SOMEONE had given a damn about me that night a party filled with people I hardly know and a case of mikes hard we fucking shared. 2 distinct hugs good by. A closing door.
And now how can we go back? I can't.... I just can't bear it. I couldn't do it again. And sometimes it feels like nothing has changed and I'm just scared and no one knows just when to hold me. No one. Fuck. I want everything back. I want people to make time for me, I wanna laugh at stupid inside jokes. I want to lay beside him, naked and safe and trusting. In a sense, maybe i can't go back because of just how much I did love her.
I am currently Overwhelmed