On Copulation and Anger
11/15/2005 09:58 a.m.
I want it to be ok again. I'm so glad you understand it's gonna take time. And it's not easy. I was so worried about what you were thinking there beside me. Feeling rejected? Feeling condemned? I think you know it isn't to make you feel guilty. I just want it to be right. I want there to be only a marginal chance of me freaking out right in the middle of it. I asked what you were thinking and I didn't expect a "that I love you" at that point in time. I don't know why I shouldn't. That's a bad thing isn't it? I shouldn't be surprised when you tell me you love me. Things must have been worse than I thought underneath. But god, to watch you put down those initial, primal feelings of abandonment or reject and replace with them with the logic of the situation.... it made me feel like something is.... not fixing itself... but healing. Healing happens if you let it. Fixing is deliberate. This is healing.

Jen, I can always count on you to hold on to the venom I try to let go. Sometimes its good to remember why you were angry. It helps me not to backtrack in life, I guess. Just don't keep it inside forever. Thanks See-stor