I dont like me this way. I dont mean what I say except when i do
11/07/2005 10:54 p.m.
There is nothing here. I don't like me this way. I don't think of her as nothing, or as anything. I don't think of her. I don't like what I see when I close my eyes. I put myself in the hands of people who I do not think will hurt me more than this. Will her, I just don't know. My cousin thinks maybe, one day, things could be better. I don;t know. I don't think so. I don't have that kind of faith anymore. There is nothing she could say to make this worth. Nothing she could do could make it harder, and anyone who thinks there is something more she could do to hurt me doesn't know this, and doesn't know how much i've hurt. I put myself in his hands because I have some light in my heart for him yet and if I could have any for her, I would. I saw her today. Jordan and Geoff went to the theatre building. I followed. what else can I do? I thought she looked beautiful. I don't hate anyone when I can help it. I'm just choked. I just feel so choked and I hate the things that I say when I'm hurting. It's poison though. It needs to come out. I wish i could be perfect. God I want to be perfect and not feel and not hate people. they're only people. she's only a girl. How can I hate what even she doesn't understand. But I can't look at her without tears welling up. I can't do it and I wish I could regard her with anonymity. I wish I could have no opinion. I wish I didn't know the things I know about her. I wish I knew her at all. I still don't understand. I don't undertstand how she could just not think. I don't understand how little I meant. I don't understand why my worth only comes back in the morning, or when I'm crying, or screaming. I don't understand. I wish I was perfect. I wish I could understand anything here. the only thing I understand is how I can love him. the only thing I can't understand is everything surrounding my feelings for him. i know what people say. I can picture what they think. I felt so discarded. I want to be whole again. I felt so discarded. Like trash. I felt like trash.

I don't hate her. I don't hate anyone. I can't hate what I don't think I understand, and I understand nothing in this. I understand nothing.

No one can make me hurt more than this has hurt. Beyond this, I am tired and cold and hungry. But I am not hurt. I am not anything. I'm so sick with these thoughts and these images and the fact that I was absolutely nothing in that point and time to her and to him. That then and there I was absolutely NOTHING. I feel like dust when I think of that. Brushed off old things. I wonder how many people know this exact feeling. I would like to speak to them. I want to know the people who bear with them. I want to know if they've felt this way twice. I want to know who they love now, if anyone. I want to know who has the patience to teach them how to trust. I feel so alone now, and not for lack of people trying to be there. It's just sometimes I feel too alone...