Pink Shades
11/07/2005 12:44 a.m.
Today I feel a little sad. Not riotously, just.... i dont know. Yesterday was bad then great. Today is kind of rey. I'm sad because people I thought I loved did ugly things together. Ugly because of the circumstance. I am sad because I have lost a friend. Someone I thought I loved. I am sad because I miss our friendship, as much of a delusion as it may have been. I am sad that I can't just forget. Forgiving is easy. I don't stay away to make her hurt. I stay away for my own good. I am sad because I miss when things werepretty. I miss the summers. I miss everything. But I'm smarter than to think that everything stays stagnantly pretty for ever. And things will be pretty again. People don't want me to stay broken. It's only been a couple of weeks, and I dont hate anymore, except I hate that anything happened. I don't hate her anymore. I'm just sad. And I'm disgusted. I don't know if its at her or the whole thing or both. Probably both but I don't want to be disgusted at her. I hate the ugly parts of me that never want to forgive her, never want to think of her as a whole human being with thought and feeling. It's hard to think of her with feelings sometimes and I dont like that in me but it is not human to be perfect and right all at once. Words went through my head yesterday over and over and all I wanted was for them to just shut up and leave me alone. Images, God, no one should have to picture that and know it was real.

This is going to be easier than I thought it would be though. Because I am loved by people. I am loved and I am not worthless and I know it. This is going to be easier than I though, but fuck this is hard.
I am currently Blue