The Explaination the World Feels It So Desperately Needs From Me
10/27/2005 06:27 a.m.
"I wasn't the one saying I didn't want to think."
But she didn't think, or if she did, it wasn't about me. He's hurt me before, but never like this. Never something cold like this, but she, she's been so cold so many times and it makes every warmth seem fake until you find it in yourself to forgive and continue. But I can't continue anything with her. Yeah he's fucked up. And he's getting his chance to redeem himself. She's fucked up so many times that I can't count how often I've told myself to let her redeem herself. And does she ever? Does she ever shy away from hurting people who love her? No. He is a man, a boy, and boys are supposed to come and go but friends should know better. When your friends drunk ex tries to sleep with you you don't say yes and then ask for forgiveness. You think of her. You think of a friendship you might lose. And there comes a point in time when the only way it seems people learn anything is when someone shuts a door in their face. I am her Morganna. I am closing this door and it wont ever be opened again because friends should know better. I want to be his friend. I want him to know better and he sees things in himself he never saw before, things he was maybe afraid to see. I don't want to have him to have to lose a girl every year just to discover he wants them more than he ever could imagine, but he knows that. And he sees me, and it's like I'm naked in a way I never have been with him, and this disconnectedness allows it to be ok until the time maybe comes that it can be ok with the connectedness.

I've tried and tried and tried with her but this is the ultimate treachery. Nothing was broken between me and her. We were still friends and thats why this shit hurts so bad and thats why I can forgive but I can never forget and I can never reopen to her. Hurting someone you love is not ok. Being hurt by someone you love is not ok. I don't love her. Nobody knows her. But I know him and he knows theres something to be redeemed if he wants to redeem it. And he wants to when he looks into my eyes. Now I simply tell the truth the way I see it and hope it doesn't scare him. Oh but when he puts himself into a cause nothing scares him, and if it does maybe now there'll be something in me for him to remember to cast it away.

"...And what if you're confused again tomorrow? Or scared?"
"I'll deal."
"Really?"
"... yes."

I don't know how long it will take to pull the thorns out of my heart, bleed the poison and heal the scars, but thats what friends are for. Me and him were chemistry right from the start. I don't think we really realized we were "friends" until close to the end. I want to be able to put my self in his hands, and I think thats the man he wants to be. I can't deny the way that I feel about him. I pull away because of those thorns. Because they need tenderness. They need to be eased out one by one, not simply patched over. I see him watching me and it's like watching somebody learn how to love, not again but for the first time, through clear eyes. I don't hold back anything of me around him. I have nothing to lose anymore. I've lost everything I thought I had forever and now there is nothing left to do but collect the rubble and build my bridges where I want them again, day by day by day. Mistakes are made once by some, twice by others, but to push your luck past that is to live in a world which doesn't exist.

There's a faith in me for him I used to have for her too. That there could be more to it all than the lies they tell themselves, that nothing stays bad or broken or worthless or false forever. But I'm past the point of commitment with her. I can't try to make things better. They never can be. I don't know if she'll ever look at all of herself and be able to say shes proud of being who she is, but it's not worth the investment for me to care anymore. And he knows, he knows he is one step behind her, and she's just fallen off the ledge. He knows it. My friend saw us and said "Ah this must be the boyfriend. You're just waiting around til something better comes eh?" And I in complete seriousness said "yes, basically" in regards to the latter. He knows that its up to him. There's so much I know he can be. A whole person. Not just one with material wealth, grades, success, intelligence. I know he can give too. And what's more important in all of the world than knowing someone is there for you? You GET what you're willing to give.

As for my own venture with friends, I am discovering them in places I never thought they grew. I am discovering a kind of friendship-loyalty that makes me tear up with gratefulness. I am discovering quieter, less passionate but just as real forms of love in people who care for me selflessly. Small gestures, not sweeping ones. Doors held open. Bits of well-meaning advice. Smiles that force me to smile in their own simple ways. Things that don't beat the words into you, but press them in gently and wait for you to be ready to recieve them. That kind of love is "the reason strong moves slow." It's not just from Kellie. It's from Aedan and Llowyn and Jen and Jordane and Anna and so many other people who tel me that I don't deserve this. He tells me that too.

Slowly I am making sense of my life an my priorities and my own sense of self. I am taking steps. Foxes and Clover. It seems that life is forcing me to live again. I am growing up.
I am currently Calm