Limb for Limb, In All Directions
10/15/2005 11:51 a.m.
My newest post, sugar-sweet coffee ground romance (in You and Me, for anyone not immediate to me who wont go sifting or look fast enough to find it with a green arrow) feels like it's taken something off of my shoulders. Feels like air. He asked me what he could do, and I told himto find a way. That I didn't know. But finding the way was the answer; it was what he could do. I told him to prove it. He said how? By finding a way. That's proof. Motivation allows people to do anything they really want to do. The trouble is really wanting something. i'm not so sureI'm convinced, but I'm not beyond convincing, I suppose.

I'm so completely confused. The last thing I want to do is hurt Kellie, but he's pretty much the most understanding guy ever. There's the difference. He's all "what do you need from me? How can I help you through all this?" I'm stunned. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to not trying to hold anything together. I told him that I need a friend right now. That he doesn't have to reserve any of his feelings for me, because,well, # 1 thats impossible, #2, it wouldn't do any good. I just told him I'm afraid. I'm afraid of hurting him, and of hurting myself, and of hurting Jordan any more than this is. I ache for something. It isn't sex. It's something that... I dunno. It's something.

I've been pouring myself into school. Good thing to do around misterms, for sure. Kellie just started school at mal U. Jordans working on the play (John Proctor! :O). I've got tickets reserved already. November...

This weekend, this weekend we might hang out. I don't work dinner saturday, meaning we might have time between his build day and my work at 11, but he has prior obligations and.... god I shouldn't even try. Of course he has priorobligations. I dont mean that sarcastically. It's just that, I dunno, why shouldn't he have plans? It's the same old story, and it wont go away because I've relocated myself to friend status. He's still too busy with life for me, for now, it seems. Making time is kind of foreign when there aren't enough hours in a day. And I undertsand too if its too weird for him, I just miss being around him I guess.

He kissed my forehead, and it felt like home again. Maybe I'm homesick for something. Something we only had intermittently. Something it felt like I was always grasping after, he was always running from.... something that seems like its hovering right infront of us now that we're far enough away from eachother to see it.

And God how I care about Kellie. My singledom at the very least, in terms of me and kellie, is crucial if I'm gonna go from this to a relationship with him. I mean, I know I'll always have him. I know he'll always be there for me. And he knows that right now everythings just a blur. I don't know if I wanna be back with Jordan. I just wanna be able to talk with him. To hang out with him. He'll have to find the opportunity to reapproach the topic of me and him, and dear God the last thing I want is to be with kellie and find I want to try things with Jordan again. Thats why I have to be single. To be relatively neutral. To be able to just hang out with these guys, two people I care about so much, and just... I dunno, just see. Just see what happens. I don't wanna declare anything. I don't wanna say I'm this or that or thinking this direction or whatever. I just wanna be. I just be me and have friends I can talk to rationally. Friends that care about me enough to help me make time for them. Friends that will be there. Barbara, you ace this list. Becca and Anna and Jen too.

I just wanna have a weekend.