I Must Get OUT of this Ugly Trap
10/14/2005 06:44 p.m.

...which my mind has been setting for me and into which I seem to have fallen. Well, they say that an imbalance of chemicals will cause one's perspective to change almost instantaneously. They say that our happiness is based on the delicate balance of our biological chemistry. I must admit that this argument seems quite logical. What are we, after all, but intricate and well built machines which are, as all machines, capable of breaking down/malfunctioning either temporarily or permanently (well, permanent in this nonpermanent fleshy existence.)

Yesterday I was here, sitting in this very office in this very seat, without any windows for the sun to stream in, nor with any LIGHT within me to shine OUT. I considered these chemicals and then I remembered something a good friend said to me recently: "Well, if chemicals can generate thoughts, then thoughts too can generate chemicals". Hahahaha Yesyes I did laugh because I DO BELIEVE in this and that he is right! In fact, I have believed in this ever since college when I was taken aback by my psychology teacher who said, and I paraphrase, "Do you know that happy feelings of well being are generated from chemical nuerotransmitters in the brain, in depression mainly dopamine and seratonin and norepenephrin. But did you know, that though the release of such neurotransmitters can cause one to feel good and to smile, smiling in and of itself works the other way to release dopamine in the brain?" My my, I remember thinking, what implications this has on this so called man-machine!! Can anyone else SEE??? It is not that I take the statement of doctors, scientists, theologians etc on blind faith, but rather that I tend to make decisions and create and ammend my own beliefs based on my own experiences and glimpses of knowledge and realizations based on these subjective experiences AS WELL as through reading and listening to what is said by 'professionals' from all different angles and places and cultures and creeds.

Well, in light of this, I presently went on the internet to read up a little about this theory. The very first article I read explains the function of the brain, the hypothalamus, it's effect on mood and behavior, the function of neurons that transfer messages through electric impulses, the means by which these messages travel, the difficulty in measuring the balance of neurotransmitters, and the reasons for the success and non-success of anti-depressants in some people. Finally, at the end of the article came this statement, "It is unknown whether changes in levels of neurotransmitters cause the development of depression or depression causes changes in neurotransmitters. It may happen both ways. Researchers believe that our behavior can affect our brain chemistry, and that brain chemistry can affect behavior. For instance, if a person experiences numerous stressors or traumas this may cause his or her brain chemistry to be affected, leading to clinical depression. ON THE OTHER HAND, that same person may learn how to change depressed thoughts and behavior and cope with stressful events. Doing this may also change brain chemistry and relieve depression" (http://www.allaboutdepression.com/cau_02.html)

Ahh! Well the machine is still a machine, but this 'learning to change depressed thoughts'...is this something that a machine can do on its own, using only mechanical thoughts and mechanical actions/doings/undoings? Can a man-machine learn to change its emotions and mood simply by reacting and allowing the brain to think what it shall think based on what impressions appear and what associations appear due to those impressions? Can a machine learn to break the associations based on history of cause and effect and to change the future effect by changing the present cause? Can a machine DO anything when it cannot UNDO the chains of its historical associations, when it cannot but identify itself with that history and those thoughts projected? This is a very interesting and vital question to me. Here is where KNOWLEDGE of a REALIZATION comes into play, if not the realization in and of itself since in time of so called depression one is normally lacking the realization, but not the knowledge of its previous occurence. What I was told before is that I am broken, and to fix me I need to take the aid of some chemical help. Well, perhaps this is only a half truth, only half the battle, an option which can bring extensive relief relatively fast. However, is it the ONLY option?

I MUST and DO believe it is NOT the only option. The mind is a very powerful tool. But just as powerful a tool, it can be as powerful a weapon. Yes, the mind has a mind of its own, it can and often DOES work against the spirit or the soul of the being of this man-machine. His AWARENESS and PRESENCE, this is what I am calling "soul". We must LEARN to ACT not on behalf of the mechanical mind which produces mechanical thoughts, because in reactive functioning one cannot truly LEARN anything of any meaning or signifance, or learn anything of true consequence that will help him to make a real worthy change from within. No, instead one must learn to THINK WHAT HE CHOOSES TO THINK, and he must NOT THINK WHAT HE CHOOSES NOT TO THINK. How does he learn to do this? Not by THINKING anything, but by NOT THINKING. Well it is impossible for us not to think at all, rather, one does this by becoming present, by being aware and alert and watchful of all the thoughts that pop into his head. By watching and monitering carefully his body, because the body actually registers the COMING of the thoughts before the thought actually arrives. Yes, it certainly does in me! I can feel my body aching half a second before the negative thought comes to my brain. I can FEEL in my body that I am ABOUT TO THINK I am worthless or horrible or ugly or "bad"...if I am watchful and alert of the signals my body emits, then I can SEE that negative thoughts are attempting to enter my brain. Only then, when I am watchful and alert and have slowed down the present experience, missing nothing, only then do I have a chance in hell to STOP the thoughts, to negate the negation, to BREAK the cycle of identification with the mind and its thoughts, to UNDO a chain or two linked in my historical experiences/reactions. The mechanical and emotional senses of the body react to brain signals much faster than does the intellectual function of the brain. Well, this is what I have experienced subjectively anyway, so do not think, reader, that I have followed any creed blindly, but know I have kept an open mind to all angles and ventured to experience and know them for myself.

Indeed, to change the chemistry through conscious thought is no simple task though in essence it is the simplest of all tasks. But well, our nature does not like to show us what 'simple' really means or looks like or feels like hahahaha Instead, we see through our eyes only the duality of nature, the poles, the opposites, the contradictions, the paradoxes, and the outer veneer of what APPEARS to be happening 'out there' and 'in here'. Well, our natural mind has come to USE US instead of US USING our minds. Our minds have tricked us to believe WE ARE OUR THOUGHTS, instead of us using our thoughts to complete tasks for practical purposes, and then setting aside this useful tool in order just to BE. WE ARE NOT OUR THOUGHTS. We simple ARE in BEING. What we tend to SEE is not WHAT IS, thus, not what SHOULD BE in the real sense. This is the natural blinder we have before the TRUTH of the natural state.

I first came here deciding to write (instead of some uplifting words for my benefit to try and change my chemicals using positive thoughts), to write just what I was feeling and then to let those thoughts lead me to what comes next. I wanted to write about the seemingly unending and indescribable darkness that seems to have emerged from within and has covered my heart and soul and mind and body with an airtight seal of fear and despondance. I came to talk about the absolute terror I have been feeling. Fear of everything, death and loss...basically, fear of the fear itself and that one just cannot exist in such a state continuously without going mad. I wanted to talk of my feelings of worthlessness and disgust in myself, my weakness, my flaws, my looks, my nondoings, my nonbeing, my disappointing those I love most, my demeaning them by being so weak and pathetic. I came here to write about how I am watching people moving about, printing copies, going shopping, eating lunch, talking about Halloween and costumes or buying property or investing, or raising their children or the next haircut they are getting and how I want to laugh at the meaninglessness of it all. How I want to ask them WHY?? Why are you doing any of this? Why are you having children and raising them? Why are you moving or reacting or talking or "doing"? Why don't you just STOP and die where you are because in the end you are all dead and so are your children and their children and everyone dies alone and no one is remembered for long, and even if they were, what does it matter when you are dead? This does now seem contradictory and I SEE the contradiction. Well if it doesn't matter that people love you when you are dead, then wouldn't it mean that it DOES matter when you are alive? And why would it matter when you are alive, isn't it because you ARE ALIVE in this very moment without fear? hahahaha Yes, what I have been feeling, this brutally dark perspective is not what THEY are feeling. And it's not ME nor what I have always felt. I remember feeling JOY and BEAUTY of LOVE. I remember feeling empowered to FIND MEANING and to BECOME this meaning. Yes, they FIND meaning and they are not walking around worried or afraid or feeling that all is futile. And though what they have termed as meaning is not what I now term as meaningful, I too have a REASON to LIVE. I have so much not to look forward to, or to remember, but so much to DO NOW, to BE HERE.

I have so much and I am so much. Let this stream of concsciousness be a solace. Let the LOVE give me courage to get up and keep moving. Let this writing and this UNDOING of desire to lie down give me the source for energies I need for the next task, and then the energy of the next win give me more and more and more until all those damn chemicals are 100% full and I HAVE DONE and I HAVE BECOME and not from any mechanical happening, but from MY SELF MAKING a HAPPENING happen. Let those chemicals all go to hell, and with them this darkness and this division within. Let this be a reminder that reminders are escapes from escapes, and so too is cigarette smoking hhahahahahaha I have so much LOVE to give, and an infinite amount of LOVE returned that is within me already, shared. It is LOVE alone that will allow me to GROW and BE and SHARE and LAUGH and CONQUER and UNDO and LIVE. It is LOVE which shall lead this man-machine to go beyond what is in her nature to do. It is LOVE which shall bring her meaningful fullfilment and joy through presence and Being. It is LOVE which shall make her FEARLESS to LOVE HERE and NOW. Again I AM your Friday girl. Slowly but surely I AM BECOMING because of the knowledge of a realization brought on through LOVE and BELIEF.


I am currently O.K.
I am listening to Office Scanner