WE Continue to Prevail: September 18, 2005
09/28/2005 12:34 a.m.

I feel a deep sadness and pain, as though I have been cut wide open with my own knife. I won’t let this pain turn into an obstacle, deterring me from ACTION. I know I will come out of this because I refuse to let “I” hate my “self”. I am not my history. There should only be one of me, and I will write this JE and then go out in my yard and pull some weeds acting on behalf of my intending self, pushing aside all other psychotics and addicts within me. Writing this as a way to “talk it out” is now my first act, useful in purging some of the painful emotions generated by a feeling of utter loneliness, and this will get me started on the right foot. What can I say but that this ego has not yet realized a state of being that is untouchable. If it had, then I would be able to transcend any kind of pain, which of course, is inevitable in this existence, and to a large extent, not as personal as we perceive it to be. If we could feel the pain more objectively, we could then transcend it with our realization of what IS. But what happens when a person transcends all feelings all together? Instead of becoming one with them, they simply shut down the mechanism that enables one to feel? Well, this too is an extreme pole opposite that of extreme emotionalism. In both cases, the expression is harmful, and in both cases one is absent. But if one is not present, does that mean that the love is not present? Is emotionalism as equally harmful and painful as abandonment of emotion? Are there degrees of ‘absence’ as there are degrees of quality of presence? If one is emotional is he less absent than one who is utterly detached, or is there no difference, absence being a term lacking in relativity? If we were on equal levels of being, would my embrace of you in emotionalism inflict more, less, or equal sadness than my lack of embrace?

Despite the laws of change and the laws of cause and effect and all the millions of other laws of this world, in this particular process of growth love always prevails if you believe in it as you believe in the concept of absolute/infinite, and this too I know without any doubts. Amidst stretches of passivity, lack of presence, and lack of being on my part, the seeming steadfastness of this knowledge/realization becomes the only available bridge to LIFE in moments of death. Fear, often irrational and unjustified, is also one of the most common manifestations of the mind, and by far one of the greatest obstacles to presence and to living. Today I felt a sudden and very immense fear and pain owing to both extreme poles. It was, I’m sure, an unjustified subjective feeling of near attack by means of neglect coupled with the mind’s emotional interpretation of it as cruelty (which, though completely irrational, will seem to make rational sense to a mind reading this, as most people have experienced the tendency of the mind to think emotionally at such times, instead of logically). Yet what I was afraid of was not that the love would not prevail, but that the pain would continue past my threshold of tolerance (which is rather a funny statement since if it passes your threshold you simply acquire a new one by means of force HAHAHAHA.) Furthermore, I was afraid of feeling desolate instead of feeling more resolved, third, I was afraid of getting angry thinking of the possibility that this happening was an intentional provocation to teach me a lesson, as opposed to a genuine state of extreme detachment, and finally, I was afraid that if this was indeed genuine, that I was the cause of its trigger and thus, fear four recycled itself back to fear one which led back to fear two and so on and so forth in circles rendering me completely useless! Really, it’s just so funny how humans operate hahahaha!! In the end, although I realize that in either extremity, missing myself amounts to missing my love’s presence, thinking about this in a time I am influenced by neither extreme, I would still personally rather experience absence in the form of pain, that to experience it in the form of feeling nothing at all.

Now, I am feeling good and happy, and I will not pass the time by being idle, but will harness all the energies I am able to because I KNOW, through this absolute guide I know as LOVE, that if in times of weakness you stitch yourself up with presence, there won’t even be any scar to undo or leave behind. This is how LOVE prevails, and this is how we BOTH ALWAYS COME BACK, faster and faster, taking advantage of each recurrence.