The Currency is MY LIFE: July 13th, 2005
09/28/2005 12:26 a.m.

I used to feel so deeply cut/hurt/pained/emotional each time I saw a person in need. That is to say, not in need of money or shelter or food, but in need of emotional support, or broader perspective, or stronger resolves etc. I wanted to "help" despite that no help was asked, and in some cases, despite that help was not even wanted and outright refused claiming me to be "up on a high horse".

These days, I find myself a different person, or rather, a person with more clarity, more sense, more understanding. I am finding more and more that I am becoming MYSELF, though slowly, but very surely. My emotions, my sensitivity is no longer as subjective to the extent that I am completely blinded by them and controlled by them. They are no longer so subjective that I am willing to pay the heaviest price at the expense of my own well being. I am, of course, willing and happy to go this far and further for certain few people, but now the number of these people have grown much much smaller. Previously, my emotionalism would become so great as to attempt to pay the price for mere strangers, justifying that I am a 'good' person and that they 'need a chance' even if I don't necessarily believe they will hear me or believe me or understand me, and most importantly will not change. But these days I am not even including some of my own friends in this willingness to help at my cost when I can be reasonably sure that the effort will go to waste. When I know that the possibility of any meaningful or useful or effective result is so very small.

I was never one to weigh the cost against the result or benefit. These days I am aware of what this COST really means. I am so profoundly aware of what it is I am using as currency. The currency I pay with is ME...it is MY LIFE. I see this so clearly. I have always known this, but I have never been present or aware enough to be able to act as I am, as I intend. Now, I simply refuse (when I am present enough to realize that I am in fact paying a price) to use this most precious currency frivolously. NO MORE.

I will not make any effort to 'help' anyone I perceive to be unreceptive, unwilling, and hostile. I will, however, always respond positively to one who approaches me directly asking for my help, and I will always respond positively to one who seems open and receptive and willing to try and change. Still, even this must be weighed in light of any development or lack there of. What is more, I do not in the least feel "bad" or "guilty" for knowing the meaning of the cost, and for using it more wisely. I do not in the least feel "bad" or "guilty" for saving my own LIFE when I simply cannot save another's. In fact, I am happier than ever I have been, and when I say happy I mean HAPPINESS and not elation or excitement or pleasure or comfort. No, I don't mean any of the experiences that exist on one end of the pleasure-pain continuum. I am inherently happy when I AM. I am on an altogether different plane when I speak of this happiness, it is an altogether different scale that I am using when I speak of or define happiness. These days I AM MYSELF in quality and quantity to an extent that far exceeds any glimpse of presence I have ever experienced before.