Celebrating Independence Day as a Dependent: July 4th, 2005
09/27/2005 11:57 p.m.
On the road in the car to Mom and Dad's house. Teta, of course, is there too. I have with me, apart from this journal, the book "The Power of NOW" for my mother. I will read it when she's done. So, today I am my own watchdog. I am watching my thoughts and watching my emotions. If my thoughts are being repressed, my body will tell me and I shall listen to/watch my body instead. I had, as Ashok so clearly saw, been predetermining my responses ruthlessly, and in this way was repressing my thoughts instead of seeing them for what they are. In repressing them, their negative energy manifested into tension built up physically by my body. The emotionalism I was feeling and all the irritation was a physical reflection of my mind, of not STOPPING, but stopping reaction with force. It's a good beginning in the sense that it is intentional on my part to keep me from my conditioned responses, and good in that it proves my resolve, but now I must refine the practice. Today, I am my own watchdog.

2:52 p.m. We just finished lunch. My mother asked me what I was thinking. I told her "I was thinking not to think". I am struggling. It seems there is a force to all the practices I attempt. I try to "see" my thoughts, to "watch" the emotions which emerge as a result. When I truly succeed in watching only then am I present, fully aware with my attention in tact. Only then am I able to laugh those thoughts and emotions "out". But also, there is a predicament in watching your own thoughts which appear as a matter of conditioned response, and that is, I begin to feel tired at the sheer amount of meaningless thoughts that drive me every moment to react or to project, or the recall. Trying to clear your mind, trying to move your attentions makes you see so clearly to what extent you are out of control, and yes, this is painful and can be so frustrating, sometimes causing you to have to consider a severe failure as yet another tactical retreat in order not to go mad.

How about sadness that manifests from the realization/thought of helplessness, not just mine, but humankind in general. Am I alive?

We are watching a movie. I watched myself getting emotional, feeling sadness over the fragility of humankind. I WATCHED, I SAW the emotion rising up inside me. Suddenly, I felt the sadness deep within. Deep within but the tears just moments before in my eyes retreated. The tension I was feeling moments ago in my body dissipated. I had been mistaken before, not so much mistaken as I was going about things the wrong way. My thoughts, the unwanted thoughts, I saw myself thinking them and decided I would not act, rather react, on them. But then it was my body which spoke on their behalf, SHOWING me in no uncertain terms, clearly that I was repressing those thoughts and not ignoring them, giving them no credence. Now, watch closely your thoughts AND watch closely your emotions, most especially when they are in conflict with each other. When you "think" you are not sad, nor angry, nor frustrated and you body's tension is on the rise, building up slowly, always listen to your body. Your body cannot tell a lie. This time I listened to my body. I sat back in my chair and I watched myself feeling sad. My body. Suddenly, the pain, what seemed like physical pain and mental anguish vanished from that physical sphere. I looked deep within and found my sadness still there, but now occupying my seat. I was my sadness.