I Shocked Myself So Badly: June 22nd, 2005
09/12/2005 06:28 p.m.


I am feeling so terrible right now, simply awful. I completely ignored my notion of undoing (which was very present and alive) and spent the last hour researching "XXX" which is a trivia question currently in the general forum. Finally, after all this idiotic waste of time on this meaningless question, I closed all search engines and declared myself dead this morning. My stomach is churning at the thought of how I wasted this office hour, and even more painful is the realization that I (many times) thought to myself that this is a waste and that I must undo this horrendous self who is so curious about such a meaningless answer to such a meaningless question, and furthermore wants to be the first to post the correct answer nonetheless!! I am so upset with myself. So angry and feeling so awful. But in a way this is a good occurrence because it's driving me deep inside myself and into my seat, making me more determined to undo and more determined to LIVE. Oh!! I need to calm down and just begin NOW to face my despairing self in this very moment as a woman who does SEE her selves killing her when she refuses to listen to her intending self because of boredom, or lethargy.

After struggling with my emotional self and her subsequent urge to 'run away' from the situation facing her by surrendering, I am feeling so much better, so relieved and happy with what this wasted hour represents. That is to say, not the wasted hour itself, but the shock it gave my intending self which has resonated deep within my subconscious now that I am allowing it to, now that I am undoing the lamenting self. This shock is actually a kind of barometer of my growth since I would never before have felt so horribly about one wasted hour. In the past I would have just shrugged it off by justifying the waste somehow. In addition, I am happy because I recognized this waste as my DEATH on a deep level, a level of sensing where my entire body felt the realization of this death and reacted by feeling physically ill. During my most emotional moments I was urged by my good friend to undo this lamenting idiot as quickly as possible before it amounts to yet another hour of death, another 3,600 moments of death!! OH! We just don't realize how much dying we do since we just don't realize how many moments of LIVING there are to be lived.

As my friend let me talk out this despairing self, I was slowly able to crush her with the realization that I am turning this waste into a NON-waste, I am undoing this waste by turning it into a meaningful and beautiful shock that will help me to change from within, and not just a momentary change, but a LASTING change. Yes, as we talked this emotional idiot out of her despair and tendency to wallow in it, I began to sense clearly what my mind had already been telling me since I first realized the waste, though this logic had been consumed by emotionalism too much to overtake the wheel and to drive herself into facing the moment with presence. But together, my friend and I drove this emotional self out and created a beautiful association with this shock. My intending self is slowly but surely WINNING the associations of this wasteful self that wants to run eagerly towards her death. The moment of reconciliation will soon come the moment she is completely annihilated. Basically, I will consider her dead once the intending self is able to take control and turn the situation around just moments after she rears her ugly head. Maybe even one day she will no longer even show up for even a moment…I can only hope in hopelessness. My friend says, 'we must be impeccable warriors against these hideous selves within us'. I replied, "Yes, and together we are"

It's now 3:20 p.m. and I have been working hard after having collected my composure and decided to USE this shock to my advantage to register the association deep. I am undoing even now as I refuse to let blankness and disinterest and boredom take over while I wait for these checks to print, so I am here writing instead. I am in my seat and watching carefully all the happenings taking place externally, and as I watch I'm able to slow everything down. I am able to remember to practice as I study my own movements, and the movements of others. I remember to undo every time I encounter a self that becomes an obstacle, in turn I remember to do all the other practices which fall under the practice of undoing. I move with the intention of never reaching anywhere, I see myself in any given situation, and I think before I speak and try not to think or speak anything wasteful if at all. When I do find myself speaking or thinking something meaningless I attempt to nip it at the bud by STOPPING, by undoing. I am getting the impression these days that one of my most powerful selves which I am struggling against is this self who is curious about things which are so meaningless when she knows to begin with that they are meaningless. This self draws her energies from feelings of boredom and lethargy and blankness. This self finds escape from these situations more fulfilling than facing them (than facing the boredome, lethargy, blankness) and undoing them with intentional attention and presence, which takes effort, though in the long run the effort is ten fold to get rid of the new association she has just created telling her to RUN every time she encounters these states of boredom, or lethargy, or blankness! Ohh! How idiotic to create more associations to undo and to create more obstacles every moment that I must struggle against and undo the moment after. How idiotic to strengthen associations which already have sources of energy so readily available, so widely accessible! OH!! And just now I notice one of my nails is chipped and begin to play with it, getting distracted and then annoyed as it breaks even further. STOP! I'm back now…oh how beautiful the struggle is when you succeed!! And even when you don't succeed completely you still succeed in struggling, which is the only way to grow and to begin to win the associations from those unwanted selves.

I am feeling so happy in the second half of this day, and look what an amazing change this is since earlier this morning and afternoon. I have come so far with just a bit of intentional effort using logic to propel me into action by undoing with presence of mind and body. Imagine how much further one can go, how much more one can undo, how much more energy one can save and how much more living one can attain when one tries more than just a 'bit'!! Well I am going to go now and continue living these moments with as much quality of presence as possible…oh but before I go, one more thing, all this undoing has me remembering to breathe deep and slow too. I have been remembering the breathing exercises which I have been particularly forgetful about in the past. :-)