I have decided
08/11/2005 06:31 p.m.

I spent the last seven years offering my very best to someone who was not able receive it in all the preciousness that I offered it in. I understand that he did his best, and I did my best, but it just wasn't enough.

How do I not ever do that again? How do I keep from repeating the past, living these same lessons over and over as if I seem to love the suffering. I KNOW now that suffering is something I don't have to experience, and I adore the joy. And yet, yesterday I was full of suffering. How was it that what I love and know to be true did not seem to be in my circle yesterday? Did I take myself out of the cirlce? How is it that I allowed myself to be all shaken up by the things he said to me, when I KNOW they were not said for my highest good? Heck, the things he said were not even for HIS highest good!!!

I am beginning to think that it's not just a matter of walking away, of filing the papers, of turning it "off." I don't mean that I think maintaining an unhealthy contact with him is the way to go. I am finished with that. But I guess I had this impression that once the papers were signed and that part of my life was "over"...well, even as I write that, I know that's not true. Wherever I go, there I am, in all my greatest successes and worst failures. I take me with me. Of course I do. But how do I make a better me, a more healthy me?

Ack. I always get angry and frustrated and beat the hell out of myself when he sends cruel words toward me. Perhaps he presents a mirror I don't want to look into....he shows me a "me" that I don't want to see, don't even believe is true. I don't understand why I am still vulnerable to those attacks. He attacks the sacredness of my spirituality. He attacks my love for his children (my step daughters). He attacks my integrity. I feel I should be impervious to him. I know I can get there, for eventually I got there with the kids' dad. But for now, I simply feel the need to protect myself from his apparent instability and inability to keep from lashing out at me.

And in the meantime I feel a little lost, a little bit drifting out there in the sea of "what the hell do I do next?" How do I feel (not what, but how do I live with what I feel, or change how I feel when it's negative)? How do I embace not being in a significant relationship? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be alone. But of course I sure don't want to simply move into another relationship that has all the ingredients for the same dysfunction I have been experiencing all these years.

Enough.

*taking a deep breath* I write this because I KNOW there is hope,and I want to share it. I KNOW I can complete these lessons and make great strides in my work here. I KNOW my higher self is with me, and cheering me on. I KNOW I have spiritual support, and that the support is holy and good. I KNOW I am on my own right path, and that good things will continue to manifest. I KNOW that I love the joy in my life, and I love being positive, and that these things will triumph over yesterday's little journey into negativity.

I KNOW I have sooooo much to be thankful for. I am with my children and we all love each other, my family loves and supports me, I feel love from and am connected to Creator, I love being alive today, and I KNOW I have divine purpose.


I am currently Better
I am listening to feeling better now that I got it all out