I Am Stuck Up & Undoing the Tangles – June 20th, 2005
08/05/2005 09:59 p.m.

I am stuck-up in sadness and frustration since the past few days. Despite some very incredibly….and here again stuck up by an old song that I have emotional associations with. For a moment one of my selves wanted to just stop writing and to listen to the song with every so-called 'intention' of simply feeling sad. But no, I have resolved, WE have resolved to fight ruthlessly those selves and to UNDO at every turn…all the way through every day. Now here in my office I have been feeling emotional since getting into an argument with my brother and though I neutralized this self for a few moments
by using logic, I did keep drifting back to that scene and then again feeling angry and emotional. The good thing is that every unwanted self that appears due to some unwanted association with that self has been strong only for a few moments before I once again became present, that is to say, before I appear seeing that self so clearly caught up in emotionalism, or mechanical reaction, or caught up in some projection or recollection. This is the moment that UNDOING becomes DOING. I laugh out this emotional idiot and release the tension instead of repressing it and letting it build up, bringing me back to the forefront at the helm of affairs. Today in the office I am going to be ruthless in my UNDOING, but rather than say here what I 'plan' on doing and letting this thought turn into some meaningless and wasteful excitement getting me once again 'stuck up', I will now put down the pen, coming back as and when the paper calls me…

As I put down the pen I again begin to think of the argument I had with my brother which is bothering me because he claims I said something which not only do I not recall saying, but that I would not be of the mind to say. In these moments I did recall what had actually occurred and been said all this time ago and knowing that "I'm right" was on my way to remind him. He was busy, and so I returned to my office once again and upon sitting down realized the futility of the reaction of this self who wants so badly to remind my brother of the so-called 'truth' and that he is irresponsible and that I was right all along etc. hahahahaha!! I am laughing this self out now. Why does this self keep appearing wanting to prove to others that which she already knows, the intending self a weak voice in the background asking "why?" Every moment your bitter self is at the wheel is another death upon death, my idiot selves driving over me, turning me into a bloody pulp as that dog Ashok encountered lying dead in the street unrecognizable, not even an ounce of what he was, or what he could have been, remaining. Here again I see that the emotional self is tempted to make an appearance, but this time I am ruthless in my presence and no sooner does she peek her head through than I crush her completely and move on.

What have I undone? In these few hours here at the office I wrote some poetry rather than working, or rather, working in between writing. I believed this would undo the self which is worried that she may not be able to accomplish both tasks she has assigned herself for today. Hahahaha! Of course now she feels bad and wonders why since she has done so much work on this poem, meanwhile, her intending self is laughing knowing exactly why since she is now stuck up in the feeling of regret and pity. Now as I write this I turn down the music, undoing the self who feels a constant need to hear it mechanically in the background of every situation, and the self who feels she can more easily find her beautiful emotions if she is so inspired by the melody or the words of another song. But I refuse to allow her to listen to music as I write this since I know that only inner silence can bring clarity of thought and presence of mind and body and overall being. As for office work, despite that I finished the draft of my poem, I am (as I mentioned before) feeling a bit bad about my work performance and having ended up spending more time on the poem than on the much needed work here. I am now undoing the self that wants only to feel bad and sorry and to go home early and sad claiming that she will finish up tomorrow what's necessary today. I am now putting down my pen and going to work uninterrupted and from A to A undoing all the way until 6:30 pm when I leave and head for home….

And then I began to think of my father on his death bed as I was left alone in the office, last to leave and associating this lonely feeling with the departure of those I love dearly. How odd the swiftness of these associations jumping from one to the next. Working hard from A to A and undoing when everyone left I allowed the music to fling me into the future as I worked and emotionalism washed over me, the tears flowing so easily and felt so good, relieving, though I knew very well they were not, the self in me who revels in such negativity was feeling good. I cried but silently as I pictured his smile as an old man in bed and my weakness as I sit by his side trying not to show my pain lest he feel all the worse as he takes his last breaths…suddenly, I smiled, tears still staining my cheeks, as I saw that I had just killed my own father!! "He's here alive and well", I told myself, "and now you've not only gone and killed him but you're mourning him too all in one shot! Girl you are very efficient!" hahaha It's here I UNDID by becoming angry with this idiotic self who wants to end the beautiful moments that have not yet arrived, and to kill all the moments which are presently here before her. I also undo that other self who took her guilt and ran with it because she projected her father's death and not her mothers, thus, leaving her completely out of the equation and feeling badly for it HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I suppose, Mom, that you are relieved, and here this stupid self is feeling guilty for having left you alive and well, for not having the foresight to kill you too hahahahaha yesyes breathe a sigh of relief….I'm laughing SO HARD….