Six Sessions of Silence Each Day: June 7, 2005
07/07/2005 12:09 a.m.

Today there are two resolves that are now in play.  Very important resolves essential to experience life as it SHOULD BE.  I woke up this morning and headed to the exercise room, as our first resolve (from the night before) is to start this new workout routine and continue it on a daily basis for as long as our bodies live.  We are to attain a healthy lifestyle that promotes general well being, relieves stress, and builds motivation, energy, and most importantly, self confidence.  The second resolve, and more important, is to attempt six sessions of silence daily until further notice.  This is a most difficult if not impossible exercise to actually accomplish.  That is to say, just attempting to completely shut off all internal dialoging and to hold one’s attention and move it as though it were his own limb, is difficult enough.  Imagine then how difficult it is to actually attain just one moment of this inner silence when impressions permeate and flutter across our brains every single moment of ever waking and sleeping day, uncontrolled and uncontrollable.  Needless to say, one may initially think that the attempt itself is simple, that one only has to remember.  But in this exercise, as opposed to others, though remembering must come before the attempt, it is the attempt that is actually harder to do, and the attainment of the goal the hardest of all.  Here are my results for today:

First Session:  I sat on the mat in my exercise room and began to stretch.  At first I was watching T.V. as I did so, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Suddenly, I remembered that I am to be silent at least 6 times a day.  With this recollection I began to have this terrible feeling of disgust with myself.  How could I be doing this beautiful stretching exercise, the most wonderful and perfect moment to try and attain inner silence, and here I was watching Buffy instead, and one that I’ve seen before nonetheless!!  I immediately turned off the T.V. and closed my eyes.  As soon as the TV noise was gone, the room seemed so silent, so very silent and calming.  I instantly felt better and felt I had a good chance of being able to concentrate and hold my attention.  My legs were bent at the knee as I did the lotus and stretched, feeling my bad back thanking me.  With my eyes closed I suddenly became aware of a light buzzing sound in the background, I didn’t even ask myself what it was, I just listened to its constant buzz, like a lifeline gone flat, and suddenly I felt so at ease, so at peace.  Was I straying?  Where there thoughts and were these thoughts straying?  Yes, there were and they were.  BUT, there still quality in those moments I found myself wandering and STOPPED…the moments I listened to that buzzing sound constant and ever accentuating the silence that surrounded me, I would attain one fraction, on little droplet of a second of complete thoughtlessness.  And here is where I felt so much clarity.  I intentionally thought of a concept of utopia I had been contemplating the night before, one that had been bothering me.  To my surprise and elation, I found that I had no more questions!!!! Can you believe that!!?? I found myself seeing the whole picture, seeing that I was wrong, seeing that the theory is sound and attainable if only on a very small scale.  I continued like this for five minutes straight.  Concentrating on that buzzing sound, sensing the silence without, and thus, attaining just a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a moment of silence before I strayed again. And you may ask, “how, if you only experienced this silence for such minute fraction of time, could you possibly know you experienced it at all??” – well let me just say that I did, simple as that.  I did recognize it and though in my afterthought and consideration I realized it to be so miniscule on the scale of time, the moment it happened felt more like seconds, five seconds or more…but it wasn’t.  Well, this is a good start, I think to myself as I look at my watch and see that it has been almost 7 minutes.  I hope the next will be even better.

Second Session:  Disappointing.  I spent five minutes in the bathroom at work attempting to attain my inner silence.  In this environment even one moment of true presence was impossible.  Despite that no one was in the bathroom with me, I simply was unable to concentrate my attention on STOPPING.  I tried some tricks that had helped me this morning to attain a good quality of silence, but these all failed.  I tried to concentrate on the silence inside the bathroom as I heard the buzzing of the light overhead, but my mind kept on leading me astray, one association leading to another then another in mere fractions of a second.  As you can imagine, in just one minute or so I was completely gone, immersed in meaningless thoughts moving at lighting speed, imagining this or that, talking about this or that before realizing what I was doing, and that I was here to STOP and not talk.  Then I would stop in order to try and get myself back on track, but this stopping in itself lasted only a fraction of a second before I was back daydreaming.  I tried then to concentrate on an object, and to move my eyes from one object to the next, moving my attention as I did so, in continuity.  As I did this I found myself thinking of how I was going to describe this attempt of mine in my journal…OHH!!! Again here I stopped and scolded myself,  frustrated and annoyed with my continued failure!  Ok, I will not concentrate on an object, but on the contrast between one object and another, the edge of my glasses which are on my face, and this will hold my attention and I will not think of anything else, I will only hold myself here as I trace the black line…..one moment…one little tiny fraction of a moment YESYES!!!! OHH now I lost it the very moment I realized there was actually a moment of silence, then I jumped into thoughts of how funny I must look with my eyes tracing the lining of my glasses, ending up looking at my own nose, and most likely cross eyed. I laughed if you can believe it. I laughed and suddenly I was so aware once again that I was not present.  And then I looked down at my watch and saw that so quickly, so very very quickly six minutes had already passed.  I know that if I was present at all, this six minutes would have seemed like an eternity.  What a sorry attempt this was.  My next attempt will be more fruitful.