Futher Down The River.
07/05/2005 02:19 p.m.
You know, it's funny. Success doesn't always guarantee fulfillment. Accomplishment doesn't always equal contentment. Lately I've been feeling rather heartsick and I don't know why. It's a sinking feeling, and I wonder why it's cropped up. I think I worry about patience. I feel like I can't wait for anything. Like I need to have what I want when I want it. But the aquisition of things, no matter what they are, shouldn't always happen like that. When you think about it, sinking feelings due to lack of patience overshadow something bigger, if they actually get in the way. After all, if what you want is coming to you, why worry? Why rush unless something you DO have bothers you. Priorities I guess. Determining what is truly worth the wait. But I'm always in such a rush to get what I want that sometimes I don't cherish what I have and love that. And I mean, I've rushed to graduate and did that. I rush constantly for freedoms I don't have without being grateful for the ones I do and thats ridiculous. Things take time. Oh god, especially people. People take the most time of all. But I catch myself worrying over things that need not be worried about. Things arrive when they do, but that doesn't diminish what I feel or who I love or the depth of that love. I have a habit of trying to control the things in my life I can't control. Things that are outside of me. It's like money. It shouldn't matter so long as I have enough to live comfortably, you know? In that respect, it's the bread that counts, not the fancy jam you'll eventually be able to afford. That comes later. And instead of worrying about that jam now, I should enjoy the bounty I already have. And I mean, put into that perspective, how could jam NOT be worth the wait. You're waiting anyways, and in the mean time you have all this great bread to live off of and thrive with.

Wow. How does writing ones thoughts have such an impact. Reading that paragraph removes some of the weight from my chest somehow. Journaling puts my thougts into perspective. I gues it's just that I end up writing my truths, and that makes it so much easier to sort emotions. I find it hard to write creativly lately. But maybe soon... after all, it's summer, and summer stirs me unlike anything else really.