Will you Sir? – June 13th, 2005
06/30/2005 02:24 a.m.

I lost my temper this morning, badly and justifiably. A friend of mine brought to my notice a piece of someone's writing whose past image with me isn't so good. While I was glancing through this piece, I realized he was battling between the two worlds, trying to stick to the 'way'. I found him somewhat genuinely honest in his struggle. This transformed his image with me to a certain extent and I was happy with this likely positive change in him and in his image within. I decided, then and there, to leave him a line, a positive message. I also decided to ask for his email address so that I can send him some material on the 'way'. As I was about to comment, I happened to read yet another comment by someone, questioning and laughing, making fun of the man. It’s here I felt my blood boiling with indignation. His filthy image (and I do have that kind of an image of him) came alive laughing disgustingly. I drew my friend's attention to this comment, commenting myself on the insensibility of the person. My friend’s response (who, I believe, could not see his egoistic filthy face through those question marks and indignant laughter,) defending the commenter to certain extent, enraged me more. It’s here that my friend brought to my notice a piece of writing of this egotist, full of filth. I know my friend brought this to my attention in support of the fact, saying, “yes, he is a filthy egotist, read this,” but before I could apply logic, my disgust turned into anger, and I was boiling with rage and my anger had no bounds. In this negatively charged emotional state I shocked my friend with my irrational, idiotic and rude behavior. I knew I must stop. I knew that thinking is the job of the intellectual center and I was making the mistake of thinking with this uncontrollable drive, so negatively charged.

Now I must UN-justify the justification, and I want to say at the out set that negatively charged emotional outbursts and rude behavior are absolutely unjustifiable and I have justified reasons to claim this: A. My emotional outbursts, my disgust, and my anger was a reaction and not an action on my part. How can I justify a reaction when 'I' was NOT? B. Besides, any justification of any act (?) tantamounts to justifying our weaknesses (weak selves justifying themselves) which is like announcing that we don't want to amend, we don't want to change (how can they? Why will they?). In the wake of this, it goes without saying that so far I justify a weakness, I am not prepared to change. C. This world is so full of filth and psychopaths, what do you do? You help them if you can or you leave them alone. They are incapable of any change. Why should I feel angry if I am helpless? D. Anger is a form of violence that pushes you far off from your own goal, hence, detrimental to your own growth. Shall I justify my own death? E. Shattering of hope also causes anger, and I don't expect these filths to turn into beauty. Then why hope, and when the hope shatters feel the pinch of anger?

As such, I have no justification to offer, just this anger-distorted ugly face. Yes, I will suffer and do my best to clean this dirt from my face. Despite all the sadness this episode has generated, I see a positive aspect to it, a blessing in disguise. I believe that this incident will keep me reminded of the dirt that still finds place in my room. This reminder will inspire me, and force me to clean my room. No doubt that my room is a bit nicely painted on the outside and I do believe that I have done some cleaning within. Still, there's enough dirt to cause this irk, and this needs cleaning, and this I shall do. I am aware that any amount of hard work on personality alone will not help. I must penetrate my essence and clean it, mold it in the shape I want to BE., and I think my duty bound friend has a very important role to play here. Will you Sir? Will you please dump all the dirt that you come across in my premises and rub my skin with it so that I can work hard and try to remain unsoiled, untainted? I will suffer for them, feel sad, pity them, or neutralize them, but I will never enrage in rage. I will laugh out the filth. Please, and if you find me angry or disgusted or irked, just bear with me as I know I will come out of it, feel the pinch, and work harder and harder. But Sir, we shall do this just for a limited period of time, until I have neutralized the filth. Thereafter I think we should save our time for better use. I wish I can live like a Lotus flower that dwells untouched amidst dirt and filth, spreading joy and beauty.