I Am My Watch Dog: May 30th, 2005
06/29/2005 12:50 a.m.

”I am my watchdog,” I heard my self asserting, negating an intruder thought trying to capture my attention while driving to my office this morning. Yes, I have to be my watchdog if I want my Amness to sustain, if I AM. Unfortunately, being plural, I have to have a 'watchdog', more than just a passive observing self who could be watchful while clinging to the attention to ensure that it is not captured and carried away by undesired selves and thoughts. If I can remain stuck to the attention which could remain glued to the moment, then only I can attain this Amness.

I am feeling like smoking. This feeling does not appear out of the blue. It has roots in my past and it’s from where this urge appeared. If I let go of my attention I will smoke. If I stick to it and keep it stuck to the moment, from moment to moment, I will succeed in simply ignoring this urge and shall not smoke. But how long, since I am bound to drift in the absence of energies? How long in the presence of all the associations in space and time energizing those selves who would want to smoke? Can I with stand the onslaught of all these selves? Well, this is a negative suggestion. I must believe in my ability and keep on trying by holding on to my attention, watch-dogging it from being captured and being carried away and if I fail I must get into conflict despite my being weak and eventually surrendering. I must make this surrender look like a logical and tactical retreat, resolving for yet another bout. Hahahaha I think I need a watchdog to watchdog this watchdog. Some of my 'I's' energized by some of the associations easily available, stole my attention and walked away. Yes, I need to be alert and watchful. I need to have a watchdog to watch dog this watchdog. I need not to just observe but to observe that I am observing. I observe. I observe the observing self. I observe the observing self observing.

I want to replace the observing self by a watchdog. Hahahahahahahahahaha!