I Decide to STOP HERE: May 26th, 2005
06/22/2005 08:01 p.m.

What did I do? Did I work hard? Did I use every moment? Every fraction of every moment? Where was "I"? I think "I" might have been before, but if I was, well then wouldn't I know for sure? Yes, I would know for sure. And here it is, my hand doing the talking for me…STOP. Eyes close. Hand smooth over paper, writing straight…eyes closed still…for a moment there "I" was. Two moments ago "I" was not. I was dead. Dead and smiling. Dead and laughing. Dead and happily forgetful of my passive death.

Yes, all my so-called life I've been running towards my death. Not just running, but charging towards it. This is funny and now I'm laughing at the thought. Just imagine being charged up, pumped up and ready to GO…walking…running towards the edge…fast, slow…it didn't matter so long as I was steady. They say that youth is wasted on the young, and oh how this truth uttered aloud rings maddeningly in my ears! Loud and sharp and painful! When I was 10 I felt small and I couldn't wait to be a big, strong teenager. When I was 13 I felt so ugly and I just couldn't wait to be a beautiful 16 year-old. When I was 16 I felt I had so much beauty in my life, none of which I had accomplished myself, and I couldn't wait to be a legally responsible 18 year-old. Looking back, what's amazing to me is how 'normal' and expected this all is. This 'looking forward', this walking towards death is NORMAL, EXPECTED…NATURAL!!!

Yes, I walked steadily towards my death from age to age, but I didn't stop there, no. I did decide somewhere deep inside my subconscious that I was worthless...weak, ugly, and undeserving. Yes, I decided to hate myself for what it's worth, walking towards my death battering myself along the way. But I didn't stop there, no. I did decide somewhere deep inside my subconscious that I would prove to one and all just how weak, and ugly, and undeserving I really am. Yes, I decided to provoke others to hate me too. But I didn't stop there either, no. I did decide somewhere deep inside my subconscious that it was not enough to be thought weak, ugly, and undeserving by others. Yes, I decided to allow others the opportunity to batter me. Somewhere deep inside my subconscious I suddenly became afraid when I saw how easily and willingly people batter one who was weak, and ugly, and undeserving. Yes, I decided that they were wrong and misled, pleading with them to SEE that I was strong, and beautiful, and deserving. But they refused to hear my words and change their views as my uncanny ability to project my weak, ugly, and undeserving selves proved so successful…

So, I just could not stop there, no. Somewhere deep inside my subconscious I did realize that an intending self had been created long ago by association of some quality impressions…I realized that this was the only self present within me that was ME, and was unwilling to charge towards DEATH relentlessly. It was HERE that I STOPPED and BECAME STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, and DESERVING. And in stopping HERE, I refused to stop THERE ever again, not allowing death to provoke me into running as it chased me…

I am currently Happy
I am listening to Tori Amos - Winter