the backlog number 1
06/11/2005 06:35 p.m.
I found a couple of files of ramblings for the journal.

The new stuff

Its been a while since I sat down and really thought about anything to write.. and I did..
And once again.. its lost in the annals of my memory..
Power outage in the middle of the night wiped the screen clean.. and for some reason.. I think that its not gonna happen to me.. to something I wrote.. and really.. its not like I really miss it..
Well actually.. in honesty, I do.. Id spent a couple of days just fiddling around with lyrics and poetry.. and some good stuff too.. shame to lose it like that.. but its just another reminder to me to get my act together..
Just like now.. sitting here trying to reconstruct some of the good points Id made..

But alas.. nothing.. just wiped from my memory.. much like my computer.

Explanation Ive been trying to get motivated to write.. but honestly.. I havent found any motivation.. and the main stuff thats been brought up is either too painful for me to spill on page or too depressing for me to want to have to go back and reedit at one point or another..

An editor.. yeah.. Ive been writing so long now, that I dont even want to edit my own stuff anymore.. its like this never ending nightmare of work
And writing isnt supposed to be about a nightmare..
Its supposed to be about free form flowing action, without distraction
Its words and verse to converse my feelings of that hurse..
I dont know whats worse, this self doubt and agony
Or the thought of you not here in front of me..
But hey, maybe some day.. but whos to say?
Anyways.
I look back on all this and I just think, is it a waste? Is it worth a read? Is it even worth the time? Probably not.. but then again what writer writes for the reader? Well.. Unless youre writing and book or a screenplay.

Hell.. I thought about doing both of those for a while now.. and I came up with some great ideas for movies..
But when it comes down to it.. what do you have at the end of the day? Bills.. lots of them..
Ive dubbed them Money land
Im stuck outside.. but a couple $1000 weeks would defiantly get me to money land..
I dont have any savings. I dont have a good job.. I dont have shit.
Im stuck in this wet hole and I feel like Im just digging myself deeper.
And man.. looking around at my life.. it just fucken depresses me so much that here I am..
Almost 30.. havent done shit with my life.. and now what spend time on the computer?
What the fuck.
I dont know.. people seem to just plain out annoy me now.. they show me their true colors in a sentence.. I can see the sadness.. I can see the longing.. and I just laugh in the face of misery.. its like how else can I torture myself.. how can I let you in to my life only to watch you walk back out of it?

I used to feel alone.. but now I just want to be alone.. its a pretty funny look at things..
I used to think I wanted someone in my life.. but sometimes It seems like Ill never make anyone happy
Happy enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me.. and I dont think I could torture someone like that. But alas.. her eI am.. back in bullshit land, whining about my so-called-problems.. avoiding people and wondering what the hell is wrong.
Maybe its cuz I work my ass off and dont get shit.. so thats my fault.. not having the skills to take my life to the next level.. not planning ahead.. the American dream? Right.
So here I am the writer.. the staring artist.. living on mac and cheese and southpaw.. skid row not far from sight..
And looking at all this.. I wonder.. whats me to do? Devine intervention would be key in this point..
So Im praying..
But then again.. its always nice to wish upon a star..even if it is, the son.

---
When I think of Christmas of my youth.. I think of Dean Martin singing carols off LP and my dog Apollo wandering around stealing peoples good
I think I get so depressed around the holidays because as long as I could remember growing up.. its never been a cheerful Christmas.. its not that I was robbed.. but there were always other things to worry about.. and just like usual.. Christmas snuck up on me without warning.. and here I am. Depressed. Thinking about how I dont have anything that Christmas symbolized.. I dont have a family.. I dont have Love.. I dont have someone to kiss under the mistletoe..
I have myself.. and this constant reminder around me.. I find it offensive actually.. all these people trying to stuff good cheer down my throat with their fake Jesus and nativity scenes..
Its barbaric how people act during the holidays.. all fighting for their place in line.. all rushing off to the next family ordeal.. in which I have no part. So kick and scrape your way to be next in line for that red light.

I miss when I was a kid.. now all I have to look foreword to is getting things for other people.. Looking around at people who dont even notice me anymore.. but when youre a kid.. the magic is there.. You believe in the unknown.. then one day.. its all gone. And Youre 30 staring down the 12 days of Christmas. Wondering.. where did I let it all go? Eh, where ever it is.. Im sure Im better off with it, than without it.



The Sickness Translations..

They say its best to create when your body is under duress.. Ive been feverish now for 2 weeks.. feeling like Im dying in leaps in bounds.. like someones taken a baseball bat of e-coli and kicked it around the field until Im left gasping for air and coughing up blood. Ive always been a trooperGoing into work sick, just so it didnt seem like I was taking the cheap way out and just calling in sick. Even tho I really should at this point.. I havent eaten a solid thing in 3 days.. the thought of food alone makes me want to vomit.. and since the last time I did eat something, I almost instantly puked it back up.. I think thats really whats kept my mind off food. Mmmm and lets not forget the cold sweats.. Mmmm.. how could you?
At first.. Id just wake up a lil wet.. Now.. I wake up soaked.. so in an attempt to work around my illness once again.. I change into some comfy clothes.. soak them in my sleep.. wake up freezing and change into another set of comfy clothes. FN Great. Dreams have been so different too.. surreal, so easy to get lost in.. So deep. And all the while.. so shallow.. I keep waking up from coughing.. I have this one dream that really freaks me out.. its either me getting choked by someone, or drowning.. either of them.. not nice to wake up in mid seizure cough.
Ive been chipper for the most part through all this.. just trying to keep my head up as it feels like Im gonna cough my brains out. I kind of like being sick in a morose way though.. like this is deaths way of letting me know, he could just be around the corner how I could just end up 6 feet under a headstone if I didnt fold under and go to the doctors which in reality.. is why I am this sick.. If I would have been your typical American pussy and headed right to the docs 3 weeks ago.. I could have solved all these problems..
Not like I enjoy swallowing razorblades and sounding like Lois Armstrong when I talk.. but at the same time.. the dreams.. how I feel.. is almost magical.. then again, I am taking more tussin than is suggested.. and I am popping pills left and right.. so they have my head swimming in this sea of Dayquil and Ant amphetamines, and magical mystery brain synapses. So everything looks so deeper than just on the surface.. So deep into peoples eyes.. so Deep into spoken and unspoken..
I guess when youre miserable inside, you notice the happiness and sadness around you more astutely.
You may see a smiling face.. but looking deeper you can see the sadness in their eyes.. the uncertainty of their demeanor.. the lies that disguise our lives. Just making it through another day.. I hope you find your way.
I dream as I walk.. looking around at a world obscure to me.. Unsure to me.. Lost in uncertainty.
Should I worry? Who has time for that? Where are we at? Do we really have time to chat?
Waste away with emotions and promotions, Up sell and grand sale, Secret Shoppers and Head Choppers.
Just grin and bear it, No point to fear it,
Enough is enough, It isnt that tough
I can rhyme on time in-between lines
My mother didnt raze no cowboy
Nor did I get to enjoy being a baby boy
Those memories and dreams, snatched quick
With lines like, You isnt ever going to be shit.
So I knew from the get go, I had to let the world know
Im not typical, Im not less than you, Im myself and I bring it true.
No one ever understood me, But I guess thats kind of easy to see.
I live in a world of words, not social herds..
I dont bend in the wind just to fit in.
I never liked faking it, I think thats all just bullshit.
Be like me. A rebel, an angel and a devil.
I live like there is no tomorrow. Just so I wont look back in sorrow of yester morrow.
I could flex my lyrical might all night, but that just isnt right
Without a message, youre an empty vessel,
And with your own meanings youll tussle.
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to Corporate World - Fight Club Soundtrack