"Cut myself on Angel Hair and Baby's Breath"
06/01/2005 06:00 a.m.
Ok, wow, so I don't know how to deal with this. It's... all... different feeling. And I know she's trying to be better and make everything work and be ok, but- I dunno. I wanna trust again. I want to. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that, well, trusting again, according to journal records, would be the 3rd or even 4th time. Third or fourth. Why does it take 3 or 4 times over to realize things that should be obvious. that wasn't a question. And now it's stressed. Strange. It's like edging toward someone on the other side of a frozen pond that you know (from past experience) doesn't hold well. And just when you start to feel comfortable on the ice you start to imagine that you can see each crack fanning out from your feet, getting ready to drop you into the water... Except theres nothing to suggest that the ice is really breaking. Just this hunch... Just that feeling, that survival instinct that tells you "Trish, you've fallen through 2 or 3 times before. You can't do that again." And I can't. I just can't take a risk I've taken before and lost more than once. And maybe that makes me a bad friend. Maybe friends are supposed to be able to forgive forever... but I can't do it knowing one day I'm gonna feel that low again.

I can't even talk right! I can't smile right. I can't look at her without feeling like I should feel more into it. Feeling like I should be able to get over this. But I know I shouldn't be able to. That this is perfectly normal and expected and fine. I guess I just wish it wasn't. I guess I knew a way to make it feel ok again. But words won't do it, and deeds, while sweet because it shows that the outcomeof this really matters... just, I guess, fuck, I don't know. I guess they just don't wash. I miss something that seems utterly and forever behind me. It's like missing last tuesday or something. No, that day doesn't "mean" something. It's just an example. Something behind me. Something I can't reach behind me and grab because it isn't there anymore. Yesterday is just an idea. A model. Yesterday doesn't exist, and tomorrow doesn't exist, and each second as it passes passes into nothing. So where does that leave this?

Jen, hun, don't worry if you're worrying. I haven't called because I had laryngitis or however you spell it, and not exams are creeping up on me. This is other stuff. This isn't {that} or you, despite the nirvana in the title.
I am currently Unsure