Another Beginning: May 18th, 2005 7:10 a.m.
05/18/2005 01:29 p.m.


It’s 7:10 a.m. and the phone just rang. I didn’t pick it up, but oh what a beautiful reminder! Thank you mysterious unknown caller for the waking me because I have so much to accomplish today, every day from now on…but well, let’s just begin with today, this moment, and end with this day, this moment. So, thank you for the wake up call as I’ve been dreaming all kinds of nonsense all night long it seems to me. Now here I am with pen to paper, a most beautiful way to begin the day, watching my hand move smoothly over the paper, feeling concentrated, all my centers focused on this task, despite my sleepiness.

So, let me go back in time now, intentionally to my yesterday to evaluate my day, or lack thereof hah. From morning to about 1:00 p.m. at work I did try hard to complete certain tasks, but though I succeeded overall in finishing the tasks, I nonetheless felt a bit dull and unaccomplished. But I did say to myself several times between those hours, “what have you done this hour Rula, where is your concentration and focus, how many times have you allowed your attention to stray?” Subsequently I did go back to the task at hand, attempting to hold my attention and do everything A to A and M to M. Yet, if this is the case and I did accomplish much, then why did I feel so dull and unaccomplished? Perhaps, (and I did not consider this the day before) it is because the QUALITY of my presence was bad. I did take stock yes, but tacking stock is not enough when one does it half present, half passively. That entire morning to noon I did stray many many times and to counter these straying thoughts I did “take stock” many many times. Yet, this “taking stock” had not been the same as my taking stock the week before when my friend was away. Furthermore, this “taking stock” of my yesterday also made me realize that last week’s practices, though immensely useful, meaningful, and of much higher quality than yesterday’s, were not practiced with the kind of quality that is needed or required to truly learn how to LIVE.

Another realization is that all of this “quality” must have something to do with “mood”, and this realization though interesting, is not very surprising. Last week I felt not only a high quality of resolve which propelled me to work hard and with a quality concentration, but I was in a wonderful mood because of it. Yesterday, however, was yet another day in a series of days that I have not slept well, was feeling tired, and emotionally generally sad. Though I have not been fighting the sadness, I also have not been letting it turn into meaningless emotionalism, which at several moments it was on the brink of becoming. Still, generally speaking I was spending more time telling myself to occupy my seat within, rather than actually occupying it. This is the difference, I think. This is the reason that despite all the work I did I still did not feel accomplished or affected by the intensity of beautiful energies as a result. It’s because the energies were NOT intense at all hahaha.

Taking stock is not just an important reminder that I must concentrate and work A to A and M to M, but it is also a reminder of what A to A and M to M really MEAN. That all of this must be done with ATTENTION IN TACT…RULA moving WITH her attention. Yes, it must be Rula who takes stock, Rula who remembers the meaning of meaning, Rula who occupies her seat and becomes her happiness. It should, and must always be, Rula to Rula.

I am currently Content
I am listening to Golden Girls