A Distraction, A Realization, and a Thank You
05/13/2005 04:40 p.m.


This week was a wonderful week of realizations and experiences. I was given some homework assignments by a close friend of mine who would be traveling this week and could not do our daily exercises together as we usually do. I was feeling energized and excited and READY to accomplish all that I know I can and MORE, as a surprise to him and a proof to me that I am more than capable of doing so much in so short an amount of time if only I apply the practices of Action to Action and Moment to Moment, taking stock of my activities, my thoughts, and my reactions on an hourly basis, fully aware. Well, this is not really something new in terms of practices. The hardest part all along is always the remembering to remember to do the practices. When one is able to remember to remember, the most important exercise after that, in my point of view, is ‘taking stock’ every single hour of the waking day. If one’s intention is to LIVE and to be present and aware of one’s own state of being, then remembering to take stock is the one exercise that will allow all the others to fall into place.

Well, for a long time I have had the desire to work from A to A and M to M and to try and achieve a thoughtless moment, keeping my attention in tact and not allowing my thoughts to jump from one association to another. Shutting off internal dialoguing and attempting to achieve inner silence by putting into action certain exercises and practices that aim to increase awareness and reduce WASTE of TIME (which is DEATH) has clearly become a priority consciously, though I’m afraid, not deeply rooted enough within my subconscious. Even if one decides to take a nap or to rest, this must not be a passive act but one that is intentional and decided with full awareness and presence of mind.

In any case, the beauty of this week is that for the first time ever, I have been able to remember to remember to take stock on the hour IN CONTINUITY!! Oh, and this has worked wonders for me…miracles! Small miracles they might be, but nonetheless miracles. I seem to be able to accomplish so much in such little time, but still that is not the beautiful aspect and not the realization, for I have experienced this A to A before in small doses. Actually, the realization came from experiencing A to A and M to M on a CONTINUOUS basis. I found myself (both body and mind) more sensitive to those things that are KILLERS of time and able to better recognize what actions are worthy of killing it. While taking stock on an hourly basis, any time I engaged in some meaningless conversation, or passive internal dialoguing, or even listening to music I don’t necessarily like just because I am so used to listening to music mechanically, I felt a hint of disgust, almost painful…a deep sense of understanding that THIS is waste, THIS is DEATH. In the past and on most occasions wasting my time on meaningless blah blah’s was nothing more than a mechanical habit of which I thought nothing off unless I analyzed the situation/conversation later and realized how meaningless it all really was. But this time it wasn’t merely a realization based on a recollection, but rather, the very MOMENT which brought the realization! I sensed it, I felt it in my gut, my heart, in my mind and my body…so much so that I longed to get OUT of whatever meaningless situation I had gotten myself into, though more often than not by the time I had realized I was already too far into the situation to extract myself gently, and thus, just stood and had to bear the agonizing knowledge that here I was coming closer to my death and for nothing…I was engaging in a passive act of DYING. I don’t want to die, I want to LIVE.

Well, the story doesn’t end with a continuation of this process, but rather, with an abrupt END. This abrupt end was also powerful enough to send me a SHOCK whose ripple effect caused me to have yet another realization, allowing me to sense deeply the realization and to learn and grow from it. For this experience I have to give my most sincere thanks to one young lady on this website who shall remain unnamed but to whom I am utterly grateful. Yesterday I happened upon her library (works and journal) and, overcome by a feeling of sadness, attempted to touch base with her to understand where she was coming from, her perspective. I was not very successful in communicating my message that I was simply curious as to this young woman’s actions since there seems to be room and potential in her for great leaps in creation and growth since she does possess a wealth of depth though she seems reluctant to project that side of herself on a large scale. I wished that perhaps she might try and see a bigger picture. Well, the attempt failed miserably on my part, and I was to blame from the start to the finish since my efforts were unsolicited, though my intentions were good.

For the first time this week I fell into a blank state of being, and suddenly became so dull in mind. My failure to reach another human being in a meaningful way somehow took a toll on me last night, causing both my body and my mind to begin a long continuous slew of internal blah blahs, telling myself that I should not have butted my nose in, telling myself that I just blew my streak of presence and awareness and had spent wasted time without realizing from the get go that I was wasting time and life, telling myself that I am no one to be giving advice to anyone else, then getting angry with her unreceptive nature, then getting angry with myself for getting angry with her for such an idiotic reason and on and on and etc etc. I was so consumed with these inner dialogues that, by the way, were very mechanical in nature, that they became almost unstoppable, going on into the night throughout my dreams and all the wakeful moments in between. Needless to say, I exhausted myself emotionally to the extent that I was unable to do A to A or M to M. I couldn’t concentrate on writing any poetry that I had planned on writing, and I was too distracted and sapped of energy to write my close friend an account of the events of my day and extents of my realizations (which I have been doing on a regular basis since the day he left). By 10 p.m. I was so tired and simply went to bed having done nothing worthy or significant.

As I said, these feelings of failure and sadness did plague me all the night long, taking root within my subconscious despite that consciously I had pronounced defiantly to myself a supposed willful “oh well, you tried and you failed, time to move on, nothing wasted when tried with good intention”. But my subconscious, it seems, would not allow such suggestion to take root and at about 4 a.m. this morning, waking up suddenly from a related dream, I had yet another significant realization…a beautiful and powerful realization that propelled me to write this lengthy journal entry this morning and to thank most sincerely this young woman who I so intentionally provoked the day before, unsolicited. The realization was exactly this, that I had allowed my emotionalism to end my streak of successful practices. That a simple mood change registered deep in my subconscious had so much effect on my ability to remain alert and aware and energized; that I had allowed, through emotionalism, a small distraction to become a huge obstacle in my attempt to LIVE. Suddenly, I felt SO THANKFUL TO HER! So much so that I almost laughed out loud, for I had finally registered deep within my subconscious the fact that this experience needlessly turned to emotionalism, something which I had attempted to register consciously but was unsuccessful in doing due to that very emotionalism that manifested itself as a result. This realization SHE had been able to provide for me! Not only that, but suddenly all the time I had spent worrying and feeling unduly emotional were no longer a waste, but rather, a learning experience, which is one of the greatest of all experiences.

So, once again I am energized and ready to take stock every hour and work from A to A and M to M and to attempt the curtailing of inner blah blah etc etc….and all of this renewed sense of accomplishment and the next baby step up on that ladder of growth I owe to her. And so, once again, I give my most sincere thanks. :-)



I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Intentionally, not music....yet (hahaha)