Sink or Swim
03/27/2005 02:06 p.m.
Sink or swim.. things are looking pretty grim.. j.johnson

Yeah.. that's about how things have been for me latly..
Not to be down on myself.. but yeah. Honestly.. this has to be a peronal trial. I never thought I'd have to do all this for myself. Much less having to worry constantly about someone else.

Personally.. I thought I would have fled a long time ago.
But I consider it a personal test. To prove I can take care of someone else.. that I can Love. that I can give up all that I hold dear for someone else. Maybe no give up it all.. but yeah.. for the most part.. it's all unobtainable for me.

Im about as depressing as a person could get.. I mean really.. looking around.. I wonder why I dont take easier routes in life. I know.. it gets me honor for doing the right thing.. I know.. yeah, Im not a total piece of shit.. but really.. I still feel like one. Sure, I'm taking care of my grandma.. sure I'm working as much as possible.. but fuck.. what else can I do? Kill myself? Fuck that. that's just not an option...
but yet.. a hero of mine.. HST goes and f'n kills himself.
I just dont get it.. with a f'd up letter too..
sure he was proabbly munching on liqid acid.. or shroms or something.. but fuck man.. If I was famous.. and fucked up.. I dont think I'd blow my brains out.. I mean.. I doubt I'll ever be famous..
How could I ever deal with fame?
Not me.
Im too much of a homebody.. I couldnt handle people trying to knock on my door... they'd always know where to find me.
but at the same time.. the duality of me.. yearns for fame.. or hell.. at least money. I dont know.. maybe it's cuz Im tired of eating smack ramen. and yet.. life just kicks me in the balls. time and time again.. but hey... it's expected right? Life is great like that..
I love you... but your married.
great.

Musically, I've been bounding all around.. everywhere from Johnsons new ablum, In between dreams to Bela Flecks new 3 cd set.. which.. you should buy. Now. I'll wait.


Yeah. It's that good.. well.. if you like jazz.. of ambient.. or chill music to fall asleep to.

smog.net has been kinda sucking me in alot too.. I love to read his stuff.. but I doubt he'd even vomit on mine.
I ramble too much.
then again.. Im drunk.. and can still type.. so my brain runs like an old 82 dodge.. kinda sputters.
where's the meth turbo charger?
oh yeah.. I sold that.. too many tickets.

I know I speak in rhyme and riddles..
but I got demons plucking fiddles.

The old man has been popping in emails
and I feel like coffin nails..
hence the midlife crisis
and about the parts I miss
but yah know?
I just continue to grow.

Got Pnumonia.. had it for 3 weeks
that was rough shit there.. discombobulated
praying for death.. I even wrote a will.. yeah.. that bad.
cold sweat fevers for like a week straight.. then I got better.
then.. it kicked my ass so bad I was stuck in bed dreaming about the russian mafia and having sex with Heather Brooke..
man.. can she take the pipe.

I had a trick for beating the cold sweats too.. I'd put on clothes.. wake up soaked.. take off the clothes.. change, into PJ's.. the wake up soaked.. Hop into a hot shower.. dry off.. crawl back in bed.. to wake up soaked.. to go to work.

I'd felt like I'd put in 8 hours of work already..
I'd only get an avg 4 hours of sleep at a time..
but hey.. when you got the Pnu.. whatcha gonna do?

I remember vividly thinking this was death just toying with me
lettimg me know.. Hey buddy.. anytime..just catch the wrong shit. and guess what? I'm tapping on your shoulder.

Maybe I could blame it on stress and depression.. maybe.. but then I'd just be every other pussy.. I know what it was from.. too much time taken and promises I'm breaking. Sleep has always been my best friend.. but I guess those times have to end..
who am I to complain..
I love the riegn.

I have spirits sitting in front of me
so Im here just making up a reality.
I wish you were here
so maybe I could adhere
a point a story, maybe even a moral
but hey, you know my metaphores are like coral.
I try for the imagry and soul.
and a long time ago, appareantly, I lost control.

So.. I wish you well.. those in need of an update..
call this my easter egg, a year too late...
You proabbly dont wanna open it
but hey.. it's all my shit. =)

Happy easter.. and fuck man.. Happy Life.
Im still here.. Sorry I dont write more..
I've just missed myself.
and I can't talk unless Im drunk anymore
and dont care what you.. whoever you are.. think.

I wish you'd drop me a line..
but maybe.. it's better that you dont.
I could use a laugh.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Breakdown = J. Johnson