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03/25/2005 09:57 p.m.

here's the truth. i hope to god you are ready for it.

i think you try too hard. you think that you are not worthy of me, of being in love, of being loved. you think that by recontructing yourself, i'll like you more, i'll care about you a little deeper. and the thing is, the thing i have been saying all along is, i see through that. i don't like this hipper, holier-than-thou boy you have become. maybe when we are both real, we can learn to heal what you have battered and bruised.

i think i frighten you. i know i frighten you. and you are too much of a man, too much of a boy trying to be a man, to let it show. you won't understand my scars until you trace them with your fingertips. i don't expect you to understand where i was then, or even why i still do it now. you can't accept everything that i am until you finally acknowledge that i exist. i exist outside of this mentally sober girl you think i am. i am the product of almost a year of emotional distraught caused by the boy i thought i loved. he would tear me down because it made him feel better. he would destroy me if it would save his life. it would kill you to know that you cause me the same pain that jordan did. and you don't deserve that. but then again, neither do i.

there are so many more truths, but i can only battle so many before i feel like the roof is going to collapse on me. that, and i am beginning to feel like this is unfair to you...

so i think i need to find a place where we are not so plastic, not so fake. we need to learn to breathe and once again begin to feel our hearts beat, for real this time. today i realized that i am not ready to give up. i give up too often. it is so easy for me to just let go of everything, instead of spending a lifetime trying to put the pieces back together. if i let myself heal three years ago, i would not be the way i am now. i would not be hurting myself, and you, in the fashion we have grown so accustom to. and for that, i ask for forgiveness. i am sorry for being such a burden, for making you hurt, for scaring you with everything that i am. i want to know that i am easier to calculate than this, i need to know that. this is my heart, as complex and twisted as it seems. this is something you will never see. you will never be able to grasp this in your hands. but by writing this, i hope i can learn to forgive you, forgive you for not understanding me, for mistaking me, and for hurting me perhaps deeper than i have yet to be hurt. you don't deserve these words, at least not now, but i do. i deserve forgiveness and i deserve to have my life back. because if i spend another night crying longer than i do sleeping, i swear i will grow into something you will learn to regret.

I am currently Strong
I am listening to silence