Wow.. yeah.. been a while...
02/16/2005 09:19 a.m.
I guess you all havent noticed. or maybe yah did... but I've just been so mixed up in work and stress.. that I dont even feel up to writing about it.. much less have the time to write..

So I'll take this time to.. do it to it...

How's my life been?
Hectic..tried to keep two full time jobs at once and ran myself down to nothing over like 4 months.. So then I got hella sick.. slept straight for 36 hours.. fevers, cold sweats , the whole shabang.. prayed for death on the 4th day.. almost lost my Main job.. then so run down back at the same shithoie job.. not making enough money to pay the bills.. worked outta my mind.. stressed the hell out.. worried that the end maybe soon.. but hoping all this shit will turn out.. now Im off for a week while my job does renovations.. and they didnt even give me a weeks notice.. So now.. Smack ramen all week.. broke as living fuck. I love life.. and I hate it at the same time..

So stressed about the bills and what's next.. and how gramma's doing.. I'm bugged outta my mind. I wish it all had this round a bound happy ending.. but I see dispair on the horizen.. I see my life in turmoil... I see uncertainty. I hate to write about uncentainty.. the future... cuz when it boils down to it.. it's always worst case scenario..

I'm basically over being sick for the most part.. but I still feel it in my chest.. cant get the lung landmines of bacteria out.. yet.. tomorrow's a new day..

I had this awesome dream about a hotel..

60's style beachfront.. something like Hawaii.. or some tropical setting..
I get out of the taxi, and walk in the lobby... Im hungry for breakfast, so I look around for the resteraunt.. I see a lounge sign and follow it up the second floor.. only to find a white 60's art deco.. white pillows and wall inset couches and tables... but no kitchen... I walk back to the lobby and figure it's proabbly on the top floor...hopefully.. I walk over and get in the silver elevator.. nice green carpet and glass walls.. I look at the slive control pannel and see a rooftop lounge.. and figure that's where the kitchen is..I press the button.. 45th floor. Floors 41-44 are for guests only.. I figre penthouses as I look at the keylock and 4 green buttons...
As I hit the 25th floor.. the 44th floor light lit up...My curiousity perked when I get to think I get to glance in on a penthouse at this swank hotel... the walls were still black from being in the steel shaft...
the 44th floor was a white and tan level.. I could see all around in the elevator.. even tho the back walls of the elevator had a blurry coat over them.. the doors opened.. and no one was there.. at the doors anyways.. there were 25 or so women sitting around in bathing suits.. it looked like a playboy party.. they were all godesses.. not naked.. and not being slutty.. just sitting around talking and laughing.. I leaned out and asked a group near the doors.. 'Should I hold the elevator?' they giggle and tell me that she'd be right back.. and she'd get the next one...
I snicker and get back inside.. going to the top floor..

the elevator doors close and lift me to the top floor.. the morning sun makes the elevator gleam like glowing crystal.. the sunbeams enwrap me like the birthing light.. it is quite intense.. but calm and soothing at the same time.. like being in a sunbeam snowglobe...
I step off the elevator.. and notice that the elevator carpet matches the grass now all around me.. it's like a massive rooftop park.. comptete with tree's and a little lake.. quite extroidinary with the morning sun off the ocean.. the cloudless horizen.. the beauty was breathtaking..
then I woke up..

So I guess in the most tedious of situations.. your mind will reward you with jewels of dreams.. things to make you hope for a better day.. happiness around the corner.. hope.

Hope is a powerfull thing.
We'd crumble without the hope that maybe things will get better instead of worse...
I hope.. but I'm a realist.. and I dont see happy endings anymore.. those are too textbook for me.. Not real life..

I've been hoping to find the time to write a bartending textbook of all the drink recipies I have.. along with whatever I could collest.. which is a f'n buttload..
but Im having a hard time rationing an idea I know would really sell to the public.. like Im a sellout.. but honestly.. I have like 5 bar books.. and you know what? they dont tell you the stuff you want.. I mean some of the stuff in these books you could never make unless you had some really intricate ingrediants.. not to mention.. the bar favorites, Scooby doo, dirty bongwater, sex with an aligator.. hell.. these are all great drinks that not alot of people know how to do.. bah..

at least you got a little taste of my world.. Sorry if I ramble.. that's the only way I can share all this..

Hmmm.. Sum it up in a sentence.
I wish I could Be Crazy, Then I'd be Sane in this crazy world.

I'd have an emotional breakdown.. but I can't waste time in the emergency lane of mental health.

Bills dont suck themselves outta my mailbox.. they infest me on a monthly scale like locusts through my bank account..

I had a bank account until someone else found out I had money..

Dreams have been kind to me, even tho the harpy knocks and bangs and the stomping gnomes upstairs having raves at 2am.. It's been shitty to be here.. I haven't slept good in months..

Where's the grim reaper when you need him?
Slacking off with Jim Morrison again..


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Keller Williams - Crooked